Time for a Fresh Start - Updated Page 3, Jan 2013

[MrsMidnight]

Just a thought... Now you've told your nan and she is understanding enough and willing enough to help you... could you not move in with her for a while? surely that would be better? Guessing she's on her own as I remember you saying a lot that you take her places and help out a lot so there would be less people, she would understand things like germs etc and not be near you when you want to cook or be aware of when you'd like to use the bathroom and maybe even give you a set cupboard for your own food / cups / plates etc? then surely if that worked you could start working on your anxiety and what not which in turn would mean you could start to look for a job properly and then finally move out when all is comfortable and well and you haven't caused a vicious circle of upset for yourself. Just a thought, after all, she clearly cares about you as she offered you inheritance money early! but as said before, you dont want to be wasting it...

[kentiiboii]

Yeah nial I've read. But he hasn't really Told them to the extent that he as us! They're not supportive Becuase they don't really know.
I know it feels like people are doing stuff purposely to annoy you. But most people don't realise till you tell them! He can't just instantly decide he's moving out Becuase he has problems with him self which start at home.

It's like a alchi. They have the find the reason why they drink and sort that out first. They can't just run away from the problem and keep drinking.

---

Just a thought... Now you've told your nan and she is understanding enough and willing enough to help you... could you not move in with her for a while? surely that would be better? Guessing she's on her own as I remember you saying a lot that you take her places and help out a lot so there would be less people, she would understand things like germs etc and not be near you when you want to cook or be aware of when you'd like to use the bathroom and maybe even give you a set cupboard for your own food / cups / plates etc? then surely if that worked you could start working on your anxiety and what not which in turn would mean you could start to look for a job properly and then finally move out when all is comfortable and well and you haven't caused a vicious circle of upset for yourself. Just a thought, after all, she clearly cares about you as she offered you inheritance money early! but as said before, you dont want to be wasting it...

Great solution there emma . You've already told her she knows your problem. This way you'll help her out as much as she's helping you! Just offer her some board, she may not take it. But as emma said it would benifit you a lot.

Plus with all the cleaning you do at home shed defferntly appreciate it more. As well as enjoy the company.

[Jonny b]

Tom I really think you need to talk to someone about your issues! Tbh I don't know if a big change ie moving out is going to help! My mate had a buddy that was kind of assigned to him, with the same kind of issues as he had,maybe that would help you, I used to have a really bad issue with anger to the degree that I put an axe in someone's head, still get angry but have found ways to deal with it before it materializes, a lot of the time you are what you are, it's just how you deal with it that makes life live able, there is never going to be an easy first step!! But I would deal with your confidence issue first as not being able to be around people you don't know seems to be a big one,

[Niall]

IIRC he has already said moving in with his nan is not an option.
Kent, the one thing your forgetting is sitting behind a computer, he could do a flynn and call you every name under the sun and there would be no comeback from it. In real life he wouldnt would he? Its the same with his issues. Its easy to type them out on a computer but speaking to someone can be a lot more difficult especially when according to tom, his mum doesnt seem to be hugely supportive from what hes already told her anyway.

[Toms306]

Just a couple of points. You say you only really eat "ready-made" meat, pre-packaged stuff that you are technically just reheating? Well, it's already been cooked, so don't worry about it.

Second, your stomach is a bag of acid, it dissolves solid food... FOR FUN! You think it really cares if you put a few germs in it?

Hmm, sure it says contains raw meat on the packet. I don't eat ready meals, more chicken kievs and escalopes. Afaik they're not cooked but might be wrong.

And I know you're kinda right about the stomach.....but on the other hand we all know people get ill from too many germs as well! So keeping the chance of germs entering as low as possible should help....well in my brain anyway!

Your saying how can you stand your grown, but here you are shouting to me putting your point across Tom! To someone you don't know. Yet you can't do that to your mother and make her see how bad you are!?
Moving out isnt seriously the way forward. You need a serious dose of mtfu. Moving out is a cowards way out! Staying at home is the place to face your problems head on!
If you move your just going to clean everything every 5 minutes worry about bills moan you can't afford fuel and you can't get epic mpgs that'll have have to sell your shitty 306 estate cos it breaks down and not fast enough. You'll end up on a 50cc moped!
But if you stay at home you talk to your mum she helps you. Goes with you to get professional help. Which both together including your gran would help you to get out of the mess your in.
Instead of your gran offering what you think is the easiest way out of your problems. Cos lets face it. You still ain't going to find a job and keep a place on your own.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm being really harsh Tom. I possibly am being harsh but sometimes it's needed. Take the easy way out you'll never get anywhere. I've learnt that!
At college I took the easiest way I went into computers instead of mechanics cos computers are easiest for me. Yet here I am not bothering with computers. But working on my car constantly Becuase I enjoy it! .

Don't blow your inheritance. When your older you'll regret it Becuase you could have so much more with it.

Well for a start I'm not shouting at you, I'm sitting at a computer, several miles from you, hitting keys, maybe hitting the shift key as well to try get my point across. But I will probably never meet you, I don't have to put up with any awkwardness between us and I'm not in any way related to you so I'm not overly fussed whether you think I'm a waste of space pussy or not lol.

As for manning up, I'm afraid its not that easy and as niall said you've obviously missed.some of the posts in here, I don't blame you at all, the threads massive now lol, wouldn't expect anyone to read the whole thing!

As for cleaning every 5 minutes, that's not how it works. Once I've deep cleaned everything, if there's no one except me to make mess, then there isn't any mess lol. Wash up once a day, Hoover probably once a week, washing twice a week....its other people dirtying things that I have the problem with. Also using gloves for stuff negates the handwashing too.

I have no problem with people being harsh (and let's be honest, you've really gotta try if you want to offend me ) but it seems like you haven't read or understood the situation to me. See if I was missing a leg, no one would expect me to run a marathon as they could clearly see a problem. If people can't see the problem, I realise its difficult to understand it.

Kent, I dont think youve read a few parts of this thread. Toms family have hardly been supportive towards his issues so possibly living at home really isnt the best idea! And if him moving out and getting his shit sorted on his own means he can lead a normal life in a few years (sorry to make you sound like a spastic tom, cant really think of a better way to word it!) then his inheritance is far from wasted is it? If his nan gave it to him in a few years and he spent it on a new car, i would see that as more of a waste!

Thanks niall, I'm glad someone's been reading it lol, and I do totally agree that its better spent now to get me started (as long as its enough to get me decent footing) than wasted on a car in a year or two.

Also don't worry about making me seem like a spas... Afterall, I am!! Sure I'm not dribbling down my shoulder, but I'm not exactly normal either lol.

---

Just a thought... Now you've told your nan and she is understanding enough and willing enough to help you... could you not move in with her for a while? surely that would be better? Guessing she's on her own as I remember you saying a lot that you take her places and help out a lot so there would be less people, she would understand things like germs etc and not be near you when you want to cook or be aware of when you'd like to use the bathroom and maybe even give you a set cupboard for your own food / cups / plates etc? then surely if that worked you could start working on your anxiety and what not which in turn would mean you could start to look for a job properly and then finally move out when all is comfortable and well and you haven't caused a vicious circle of upset for yourself. Just a thought, after all, she clearly cares about you as she offered you inheritance money early! but as said before, you dont want to be wasting it...

I can see you've put a lot of thought into that Emma so thanks! I'm afraid its not that easy though, I wish it was. My nan can't cope with the cottage where she lives (its run down, impossible to heat, miles from civilisation, and she can't use stairs now) so she's desperately trying to get into a retirement flat asap! Plus, this might make me sound like a horrible bastard, but I really don't think she's got long left anyway now. She gained some other problems over the last week due to not being able to move much and being so cold, this morning she was taken to hospital after a hypo glycemic shock (something like that lol) to do with diabetes and with everything else I doubt she'll get over her probs now. After seeing two grandads deteriorate just before the end, I'm sure this what's happening again.

Yeah nial I've read. But he hasn't really Told them to the extent that he as us! They're not supportive Becuase they don't really know.
I know it feels like people are doing stuff purposely to annoy you. But most people don't realise till you tell them! He can't just instantly decide he's moving out Becuase he has problems with him self which start at home.

It's like a alchi. They have the find the reason why they drink and sort that out first. They can't just run away from the problem and keep drinking.

---

This isn't an instaneous thing, I've wanted to move out for years lol, just not had the oppertunity before.

And it'd be great if it was as easy as fixing a problem then everythings fine but its just not gonna happen. I see what you mean about mum not knowing, which is why I want to talk to her, but it won't change much.

Tom I really think you need to talk to someone about your issues! Tbh I don't know if a big change ie moving out is going to help! My mate had a buddy that was kind of assigned to him, with the same kind of issues as he had,maybe that would help you, I used to have a really bad issue with anger to the degree that I put an axe in someone's head, still get angry but have found ways to deal with it before it materializes, a lot of the time you are what you are, it's just how you deal with it that makes life live able, there is never going to be an easy first step!! But I would deal with your confidence issue first as not being able to be around people you don't know seems to be a big one,

Hmm, being around people I do know is just as bad as those I don't!

[Kwik]

It may be a good idea to move in with your nan. you may well end up to be the reason for her to wake up which will give her longer to stay on the earthly realm.

Building it back up will occupy your time too and give you both company and she could be the start of your support network. Just a thought

[Toms306]

Well, my Nans in hospital after a hypoglyceamic coma, got an idea I won't be moving there with her lol. But as I've said I'll be very surprised if she gets through it now. Even if she does, she'll be moving into a tiny retirement flat as she cant manage in her current house.

There is still my other Nan, she has a spare bedroom, but although shes a very 'tidy' person, she's really not very 'clean' in a germ way. For example, she'll wash the dogs feet and arse and her dishes all in the kitchen sink! Different water obv, but still extremely disgusting! Then she said she ate a yoghurt that was 3 days out of date last week rather than bin it! And her oven broke a few weeks back with a chicken ready meal in it, it was obv not cooked, but she couldn't waste it so ate it anyway, and when I asked if it was cooked she said 'well, it was defrosted' She's extremely lucky that she has guts made of kevlar, she's always moaning that she cant go to the loo despite all the stuff she eats (including 10 sprouts a DAY!) and she was telling me last week, that in her 70 odd years, shes never once had the shits!! I wish I had her stomach tbh!! Then she's got the dog as well, I can't deal with dog germs where I live - dogs are nice......but only in other peoples houses lol! I do spend a lot of time at her house atm, too bloody much lol, crosswords and jigsaws get boring quickly haha, but when it comes to food there theres no chance of that happening. She also doesn't live any closer to town or have a second bathroom so really I wouldn't be any better off.

[kentiiboii]

First of all Tom I know you wasn't technically shouting but you was getting your point across which is more of what I ment.
I've read the whole thread so I've been watching everything. Just trying to find possible ways to help you mate. But your never going to do this on your own. You need someone there to help you.
You remind me of my mrs a lot. You always find the negatives in everything you do and never consider the positives. Before you've done something you've already decided the negative is going to happen therefore you won't do it.
Always remember "you never know till you've asked".
Ok you've told your mum to a small degree but she might only think it's a little matter that you've got under controll. You need to tell her how serious it really is. Tell her your day to day routine and what happens if it gets interrupted like your stepdad coming home. The little things that your thinking about your stepdad being there to us lot seem like nothing but to you there massive things. You need to make sure you tell your mum just how bad it is.

As I said you really don't know till you've asked. I understand she's not supportive now. But you don't know why your just acting as if she doesn't care.


Sorry to hear about your gran, mines been in a care home since i was 13 with demensha(how ever it's spelt). I havnt seen her since she went in Becuase I wanna remember the good times with her, the last memory I have of her is me coming downstairs in me boxers and her calling me a fat b*sterd which at 13 isn't really good to hear. But I've been told she hasn't got long left I really wanna see her but really don't wanna she her the way she is.
But I think moving in with your gran really would benifit you both. I know you don't clean every 5 minutes I was exaggerating but your help her out more than what she would be doing for you. Specially if she's really struggling.
If she's lived in her house where she is now for a long time then maybe shed really appreciate the help to keep it.

[Toms306]

First of all Tom I know you wasn't technically shouting but you was getting your point across which is more of what I ment.
I've read the whole thread so I've been watching everything. Just trying to find possible ways to help you mate. But your never going to do this on your own. You need someone there to help you.
You remind me of my mrs a lot. You always find the negatives in everything you do and never consider the positives. Before you've done something you've already decided the negative is going to happen therefore you won't do it.
Always remember "you never know till you've asked".
Ok you've told your mum to a small degree but she might only think it's a little matter that you've got under controll. You need to tell her how serious it really is. Tell her your day to day routine and what happens if it gets interrupted like your stepdad coming home. The little things that your thinking about your stepdad being there to us lot seem like nothing but to you there massive things. You need to make sure you tell your mum just how bad it is.

As I said you really don't know till you've asked. I understand she's not supportive now. But you don't know why your just acting as if she doesn't care.


Sorry to hear about your gran, mines been in a care home since i was 13 with demensha(how ever it's spelt). I havnt seen her since she went in Becuase I wanna remember the good times with her, the last memory I have of her is me coming downstairs in me boxers and her calling me a fat b*sterd which at 13 isn't really good to hear. But I've been told she hasn't got long left I really wanna see her but really don't wanna she her the way she is.
But I think moving in with your gran really would benifit you both. I know you don't clean every 5 minutes I was exaggerating but your help her out more than what she would be doing for you. Specially if she's really struggling.
If she's lived in her house where she is now for a long time then maybe shed really appreciate the help to keep it.

I see the negatives because experience has taught me that 9.9 times out of 10, it's the negative thing that happens!

As for my Mum, I do want to tell her, but I dont know how. But even when I do tell her, she won't do anything about it, what can she do about it?

As I said above moving in with my Nan isn't an option tbh. And as for her house, she hates it! Have you ever seen the 'hoarder' programmes on tv? Well, theres basically so much shite in her house that its taking me ages to sort through it, and of course my Dad is no help there whatsoever, as usual. She wanted to move out as soon as my grandad died but couldn't becuase she simply has too much stuff and wont part with anything as 'it might come in handy'. The house is falling apart, theres a huge crack that runs up and over the middle of the house because one corner is subsiding badly, theres mould and damp everywhere, the electrics are completely shite and infact a massive fire hazard and because its big and old she has to have 2kw heaters burning electric at full blast in most rooms which just eats electric and gives her £400 leccy bills. It really is a horrible house and will only be fit for crushing and rebuilding when she can finally leave it.

[kentiiboii]

Ok Fair enough about your grans house.

Stuff never goes right for me. Cars always letting me down. People always letting me down. But I always see positive of things cos negatives just get you down. Just got to say "f**k it!"

As for your mum she can't do anything your right. But she can't support, understand and make things easier dude.

I do see what you mean about moving, it would be easier. But it's a cowards way out.

Really am just trying to help dude. I've never met you or anything but your on here a lot I'm on here a lot and you seem a good lad! Therefore I'd like one day for you to turn up to a show cos then I could consider you a friend one day .

[Toms306]

Thanks Kent, I realise you're trying to help, sorry if I'm coming across as a bit of a lady garden, its not meant that way.

Lol, I say 'f*ck it' a lot.........but more 'f*ck it, theres no point, I'll only fail'. But I know thats completely the wrong way to look at situations.


I'll tell you the thing with moving out, which I've just sort of realised today. It isn't the cowards way out, but more a 'break' or reducing stress in one area, to allow for helping the stress in other areas. At the minute stress/anxiety/panic, whatever you wanna call it is almost constant, with probably only an hours break each day, if that. I can't even relax in bed as I just stress about things all night, and when I do get to sleep its very light and often have awful and extremely realistic nightmares. Last night, for exaple, my stomach wasn't great, and this played on my mind so much that I had a horrible nightmare that I'd shit the bed - ok I can see the funny side now, but I genuinely woke up at ~4am not knowing whether that'd happened or not, fortunately it hadnt. But I was then shaking and sweating and my heart was racing and that kinda ruined the rest of the night for sleeping, so I laid awake worrying about stuff again because I just cant clear my mind.

Now the important thing about moving out is there would be no-one else about to worry about in that situation (at 'home'), so hopefully I would be able to relax there, on my own sofa, watching my own choice of tv, without even having to stress (too much) over dinner, just like when the rents are on holiday and Im home alone here. But rather than that being a cowards way out, its given a break and some time for me to relax and start to 'recover' my mind. That leaves more time for the stress of work/going out and even tackling other things that are way overdue now as I know theres a 'safe house' to return to to get away from everything later. Constantly bombarding myself with stress is never gonna allow my mind/body to sort itself out, but thats exactly whats happening now, and pushing through that would only make the situation worse until the point of collapse, or complete breakdown. As others have said, small steps are the key, its not gonna change over night, and I'm a very impatient guy, but I genuinely believe if I could reduce or maybe even remove the stress from one area of life that'd kickstart the 'recovery' in other areas.

That was quite positive wasn't it? Loada bollocks though... But seriously, thats the way I see it.

[Toms306]

Well, that was possiby the most awkward convo with my Mum ever, she started the convo asking if I'd been back to the docs, and it ended up as an awkward anxiety chat for 10 minutes. She knows now anyway.

Her answer - if I wont sign on as Im not actively looking for work then go back to the Dr's and try get then to go onto some unfit for work benefit. I suppose she's right tbh.

[Niall]

Bet thats a weight off your mind? End of the day tom, it may of felt awkward but its one of the many small steps to getting your self sorted

[Toms306]

Actually I feel worse now she knows. It's like I've finally admitted defeat I guess. But I also feel bad that I've given her more stuff to worry about now. Oh well, cant be un-said now so just gotta hope that was the right thing to do.

[MrsMidnight]

Think of it as the beginning to a new start, admitting it, getting help and getting on so you can finally have a fairly normal life! Really hope all does work out eventually - sure it will over time only way is up now!

[Toms306]

Thanks Emma.

[cwspellowe]

TL;DR

Have you nailed that chick you fancy/bought that car you want/got that job you want/beat up that guy you hate yet?

I'll be back in 6 pages if someone could clear that up for me

[Toms306]

Well Chris its a shame we can't all be as awesome as you isn't it! Some men are born great.....others have to make do with the shit hand they've been dealt.

Oh and no I didn't nail that girl, missed out on the oppetunity for the car, definitely haven't got a job, and can you imagine me beating anyone up? Cleared it for you.

[kentiiboii]

Actually I feel worse now she knows. It's like I've finally admitted defeat I guess. But I also feel bad that I've given her more stuff to worry about now. Oh well, cant be un-said now so just gotta hope that was the right thing to do.

There you go lad! First step sorted. She knows more about your situation, did she mention anything about trying to help you?

You've done good, you could of coward away from your mum and not dont anything... But you didn't you told her what was needed.

Things will hopefully get easier dude . To back to doctors ask your mum to come with you to offer support . Not to hold your hand. .


Want to see you at FCS this year now!
Just don't bring a vag!

[Kwik]

well done tom you may not think it but that's a big step.

I had to do behaviour therapy by myself and i know it's way easier said then done but always try to look for the positive instead of focusing on the negatives. since i've started doing that life is so much easier trust me. I suffer with severe depression so just that way of things helps with that and also eases my anxiety which funnily enough i don't get when i'm djing work that out lol.

[Toms306]

Actually I feel worse now she knows. It's like I've finally admitted defeat I guess. But I also feel bad that I've given her more stuff to worry about now. Oh well, cant be un-said now so just gotta hope that was the right thing to do.

There you go lad! First step sorted. She knows more about your situation, did she mention anything about trying to help you?

You've done good, you could of coward away from your mum and not dont anything... But you didn't you told her what was needed.

Things will hopefully get easier dude . To back to doctors ask your mum to come with you to offer support . Not to hold your hand. .


Want to see you at FCS this year now!
Just don't bring a vag!

Lol, well as I said theres not really anything she can do to help. She managed to turn it onto herself instead - 'I've got enough to worry about with this op without having to worry about you as well'. And 'well now I dont know what to do, I thought of something nice to get for your birthday but you may not like it now' Females seem to be good at that though, I was expecting it tbh. Just said that I'd worry about myself and she could worry about herself (apparently not an option) and to just save her money instead of getting whatever it was she was looking at for my bday, had a horrible feeling it was a driving experience or something like that so I'd have hated it anyway, and wouldnt want to seem ungreatful.

She did keep asking what I was gonna do about the problems though, but obviously I didn't have an answer as I still don't know. What I did say was the it will take time to sort out and that there isnt a magic cure.

I certainly dont want her at the doc's with me though!!

I won't be coming to FCS.

well done tom you may not think it but that's a big step.

I had to do behaviour therapy by myself and i know it's way easier said then done but always try to look for the positive instead of focusing on the negatives. since i've started doing that life is so much easier trust me. I suffer with severe depression so just that way of things helps with that and also eases my anxiety which funnily enough i don't get when i'm djing work that out lol.

Struggling to find any positives at all now if Im honest, no matter how much i look for them.

Also I can totally relate to that tbh, it's doing something that you like and keeping your mind occupied. I'm the same with fixing cars (well attempting to...). It's something to get immersed in so your brain forgets it should be making you worry about stuff. But then it gets to a point where you stop for whatever reason and you think 'hmm, I haven't been anxious for a few hours now'...then it hits!

[Kwik]

lol that is how it seems but i just immerse myself back into it and forgot about being anxious for a while longer. is hard work trying to be positive all the time but it helps loads and positives can come from the worse things. just got to search for it abit harder sometimes i've learnt

[kentiiboii]

She'll be a massive help to you Tom! She now sounds like she wants to help. .
See look being negative. "I won't be coming to FCS" should be saying "you know what f*ck it... I'm going to attempt FCS" even if you can't afford it ask your mum for the tickets for your birthday if you can achieve a day there with us you can do anything dude.

[cwspellowe]

Well Chris its a shame we can't all be as awesome as you isn't it! Some men are born great.....others have to make do with the shit hand they've been dealt.

Oh and no I didn't nail that girl, missed out on the oppetunity for the car, definitely haven't got a job, and can you imagine me beating anyone up? Cleared it for you.

I like to think I bring a certain something to the table. It certainly isn't sensible advice anyway

[Toms306]

She'll be a massive help to you Tom! She now sounds like she wants to help. .
See look being negative. "I won't be coming to FCS" should be saying "you know what f*ck it... I'm going to attempt FCS" even if you can't afford it ask your mum for the tickets for your birthday if you can achieve a day there with us you can do anything dude.

But I don't want to go to FCS anyway lol. It's not just the money or the distance, I'm really not interested in going. Then again, I'm not really interested in anything tbh.

[kentiiboii]

She'll be a massive help to you Tom! She now sounds like she wants to help. .
See look being negative. "I won't be coming to FCS" should be saying "you know what f*ck it... I'm going to attempt FCS" even if you can't afford it ask your mum for the tickets for your birthday if you can achieve a day there with us you can do anything dude.

But I don't want to go to FCS anyway lol. It's not just the money or the distance, I'm really not interested in going. Then again, I'm not really interested in anything tbh.

Fair enough dude but seriously hope things start getting better!


Just keep remembering where here for help! We wanna see you attend a few meets this year!

Worst comes to worse just say... "f*ck it!" .

[Toms306]

Cheers Kent.

[Stephen]

I want to start going to more meets this year and would be good to see you there Tom!

Try and stay positive like many have said!

I haven't had the best dealt hand when it comes to health, completely different to yours but still has always caused issues in my life.

But I find you have to remember to always look on the bright side, be thankful for what you do have and always remember it could always be worse!

If life was easy it would be pretty boring.

[Niall]

http://youtu.be/jHPOzQzk9Qo

[Toms306]

Lol Niall, I'd been expecting that!

I want to start going to more meets this year and would be good to see you there Tom!

Try and stay positive like many have said!

I haven't had the best dealt hand when it comes to health, completely different to yours but still has always caused issues in my life.

But I find you have to remember to always look on the bright side, be thankful for what you do have and always remember it could always be worse!

If life was easy it would be pretty boring.

Given the choice between boring and difficult or boring and easy, I know which one I'd choose!!

And, I'm aware it could be worse, but it could also be a lot better! The problem is I'm always expecting things to get worse as well, I can't stop thinking about things that will inevitably happen that will be worse. If that makes sense anyway...

Can someone give me some examples of the positives I should be looking for? I've still not found any....