The secrets thread

[Dan!]

Right, this is a thread iv been reading on another forum (VAG, shock, beware!) but dont worry the thread is nothing to do with VW's or cars at all. And I have to say some of the posts have had me nearly in tears with laughter. You might have to sign up to view it, but if your bored it will seriously be worth it, Iv just spent most of the last 4 hours reading through it

The secret thread - clicky!

And as a preview, a few of my favourites.........

You know when you go in Halfords and see all the speaker faces have been pushed in?

Me.

When I'm alone in the house (and not tommy tanking) I walk around like various animals - chickens/dinosaurs etc. It vents a bit of silliness.

A few years ago, maybe 4 now my 6th decided it would be a good idea for their students to partake in community service. A majority of people got reasonably good ones like helping out at football clubs, youth centres etc. But me and my friend (lets call him sam) got lumbered at day care centre for the mentally impaired. Now i havent got a problem with that but you must agree it was going to be a bore.

The centre was based outside of town in a old manor house, it was massive with loads of land and a GIANT lake which had a gravel path surronding it.So one day me and sam have completed all our jobs but we still had an hour before we could go home. One of the carers suggest that we take 'Mandy' around the lake in here wheel chair because its nice for her. Mandy was probably in her mid 20's, but she was a vegetable, I mean full on VEGETABLE, in a wheel chair never made a noise apart from a few grunts and barely ever moved as a matter of fact.

So im pushing her along while me and sam are just chating about things that young boys do at that age , when the discussion of 'would you ever have sex with a 'vegetable' comes up. My answer straight away was no, but sam is abit odd. We had reached the top of the lake now the furthest point from the manor and we are the only people about when sam turns to me and says

'How much would you give me if i put my dick on mandy'

'leave it out sam'

'nahhhh serious i'll do it'

'i dunno a tenner'

So sam whips his little sam out and slaps it on mandys arm. no reaction. 2nd time no raction, 3rd time is when it all kicks off

Mandy the 'Vegetable' goes phyco jumps up and RUNS FULL BORE INTO THE LAKE. She cant swim and next thing we know shes under the water and we cant see her.

So i push sam in the lake and he has to pull her out. She was under for a good 30-40 seconds. Anyway she was fine in the end, luckily but it was abit of a task explaining how mandy and sam had looked like the had gone for a swim. We didnt have to go back after that day which was a touch

NYE many moons ago I was walking home to my mates house after a long 2 weeks of boozing and eating. Felt a rumble in the belly and promptly felt the urge to empty my bottom. I Scoured the horizon for a suitable burial ground until I stumbled upon a secluded front garden. I lowered my pants, crouched, did the biz, picked a few dockleaves and off I went. Half way up the road I couldn't help notice a foul smell, upon closer inspection it had appeared I'd gone and sh*t myself. I'd rather cleverly managed to squat down but not lean back far enough, emptying the contents of my bowels into the trousers around my ankles. As you could imagine I was less than amused with the situation, especially when two girls i knew from school came walking up behind me and started to engage in conversation. I basically said I'd trodden in dog turd, you know "corr yeah that really sticks doesnt it" wafting the air etc. Anyway, managed to get away with that one ok, arrived at my mates (who was fast asleep) and went straighti into the shower with my trousers/pants on. I proceeded to wash them with shower gel and allsorts of expensive shampoo's, leaving the trousers and boxers drying on the hot radiator on the landing. Soooo, woke up the next morning to the sound of mates sister and mum spraying air freshener everywhere and generally swearing a lot about the smell, seems i'd missed a few spots and there had been turd soaked trousers drying on the hot radiator all night. Lets just say the whole house had to be aired for most of the day, I grabbed my clothes and had no choice but to put them on and bail, just as the grandparents arrived for a new years day meal.

A mate of mine shagged his bird up the bum bum in her living room and got poop on the sofa, they blamed the dog and it got put down

So yeah, take a look and have a laugh, and ignore the fact its a VAG forum, just see it as a collection of funny stories Enjoy!


Edit, and I appreciate some of the stuff may have been made up, but its still funy. And alot of the stuff I find myself reading and thinking, wow, I do that aswel

[Poodle]

Need to be a member to view the link.

I find I start talking to myself on long/solitary journeys in the 106 (radio's broke, so all i've got is road noise). A word or place-name on a sign will spark my interest and I'll start repeating it to myself in different ways to make it sound funny. Gets worse the longer the journey is, sometimes my brain decides the best way to express the word involves random arm-waving and ridiculous extension of a randomly-picked syllable.

Tend to realise what i'm doing once I get to this point and spend the next 5 minutes trying to get the radio to work.

WARNING: Embarrassing in traffic.

[Dum-Dum]

My big secret is i'm homosexual.

But, i guess its not really a big surprise is it? I mean i'm always putting up mostly naked photos of myself...

..then there was running around that race track.

Hope you all dont judge me differently, i'm still the same guy

[declantg]

I'm terrified of swimming in the deep end in a pool because a shark might get me, but im fine I the sea. No lie

Sent from my HD7 T9292 using Board Express

[Dan!]

I'm terrified of swimming in the deep end in a pool because a shark might get me, but im fine I the sea. No lie

Sent from my HD7 T9292 using Board Express

Hahaha, im all over this! I dont mind the deep end if I can see the bottom, but if its properly deep, or the waters not very clean, or its dark, then I freak out in the water/swimming pools. Also dont seem to have a problem with the sea

[Eeyore]

I talk in my sleep and its usually about toast...

[Matt]

I talk in my sleep, sometimes about the girlfriends sister :/

[Fooby]

I talk in my sleep, sometimes about the girlfriends sister :/

so you even self cock-block yourself whilst your sleeping?

That's impressive

[Scott]

I talk in my sleep, sometimes about the girlfriends sister :/

Winner :clap:

I've seen a similar thing on another forum, where there is a 'confessions' thread, where people post in the thread saying they're willing to receive a confession/secret from someone else, someone will send one via PM and the person who receives it will post it in the thread as a quote. It takes a little to get going, but people quickly get involved. It's a little harder to do on a forum where people know each other (such as this) but you definitely hear some very interesting stories.

[MrsMidnight]

I go into a world of my own and do embarrassing things like dance about as if no one is there or I'll talk to myself. Then I realise I'm being watched by people :/

If I can't pronounce something properly I'll say the closet thing to it, or make up a word then say it over and over in funny voices...This annoys danny so much when we go to wales

[Midnightclub]

For an example.. gwasanaethau = services in welsh.. emma says guantanamo everytime she sees it.. ¬¬

[Scott]

They're practically the same thing...

[Midnightclub]

hahahaha

[Dan!]

Pa knee knee....

[Flynn]

I sometimes get paranoid about liking weird things and force myself to do 'tests' to make sure I don't like said thing I am paranoid about liking. I also get turned on by dead women more so than by alive ones. Sad I know.

[Chris]

So much win, will have to have a read later when I can get on the PC

[Dum-Dum]

I sometimes get paranoid about liking weird things and force myself to do 'tests' to make sure I don't like said thing I am paranoid about liking. I also get turned on by dead women more so than by alive ones. Sad I know.

TBH dead women are good cos they whinge less lol.

An interesting fact is that while it is illegal to f*ck a dead person if your partner dies during sex you are allowed to continue.

[Scott]

I don't like where this is going

[Niall]

I don't like corridors....

[Flynn]

I sometimes get paranoid about liking weird things and force myself to do 'tests' to make sure I don't like said thing I am paranoid about liking. I also get turned on by dead women more so than by alive ones. Sad I know.

TBH dead women are good cos they whinge less lol.

An interesting fact is that while it is illegal to fornicates a dead person if your partner dies during sex you are allowed to continue.

Cool fact about the sexing Dum-Dum. Yeah you are right if they are dead they don't moan etc, but the disadvantage is that they tend to go off after a few days.

[Dan!]

I secretly love Flynn.

[Matt]

I secretly love Flynn.

Flynn shares the love

[bigcheez2k3]

I tend to talk to myself when the house is empty and say things in stupid voices. Or catchphrases from TV shows, e.g. I need TP for my bumhole

I amuse myself pretty much every time so don't care tbh. I think it's good I can be happy when on my own.

[Poodle]

I talk in my sleep, sometimes about the girlfriends sister :/

Bahahaha, bet that's brought you some awesome wake-up calls hock:

[THE_Liam]

I tend to see "ghosts" or whatever you want to call them, used to happen a lot at the school I worked at as a caretaker, although I wasn't the only one, that place was WEIRD on an evening. Could just be going mental and seeing stuff though

[Dan!]

A fresh one from edition38, so gross but funny

When I'm taking a shower with my girlfriend I hold it in until she's washing her hair (head tilted back and eyes closed) and then begin peeing on her feet and work my way up her body to see how close to her face I can get without her realising
She's never caught me yet!! Sneaky golden shower FTW!

[kentiiboii]

A fresh one from edition38, so gross but funny

When I'm taking a shower with my girlfriend I hold it in until she's washing her hair (head tilted back and eyes closed) and then begin peeing on her feet and work my way up her body to see how close to her face I can get without her realising
She's never caught me yet!! Sneaky golden shower FTW!

I'm so going to try that!

[Fooby]

I'm so going to try that!

we at 306oc.co.uk take no responsibility for the end of your relationship.

[kentiiboii]

I'm so going to try that!

we at 306oc.co.uk take no responsibility for the end of your relationship.

Dam. C'mon we should cover each other here!

[Dum-Dum]

we at 306oc.co.uk take no responsibility for the end of your relationship.

Dam. C'mon we should cover each other here!

NO! Ive got a better idea. Lets NOT cover each other in piss you sicko