Time for a Fresh Start - Updated Page 3, Jan 2013

[Kimmie]

I think you need to continue the conversation with your Mum, over time and in small doses. Make it clear that your opening up was not so she could worry about you, but so that she could understand the issues you face. You have to be clear and confident when you do this to get your point across. Explain that now she understands (or at least knows) about this, you'd like to see some consideration from her and the rest of the family when it comes to the kitchen etc. You have to be strong and stand your ground here, the only way you're going to get through to them is to keep explaining. If you come away from this feeling bad for them then frankly you're not doing it right!

I know it's been said but you seriously do need to consider professional help. I, just like everyone else, have various mental traits caused by things that have happened in life. Whilst I'm not open to counseling, there are other avenues to explore and they WILL help (I have done). Your negative attitude is making you see these as a bad thing, a 'waste of time'. For once please see these as a positive. How do you know if they're a waste of time if you don't bloody well try?? I believe Scott has mentioned this in the past, but his Mum is a Hypnotherapist, and could probably recommend someone in your area. Believe me, this sort of thing helps.

I'm sorry to hear about your Nan, but if she were to pull through and go home, would there not be an option for the two of you to find a small place together? Some retirement flats do have two bedrooms you know Could you agree that the kitchen and the cleaning aspects are your domain, and ask her to leave food prep etc down to you? It's a baby step with someone understanding, and would give you more control?

Kent- I'm sorry to hear about your Nan too. Mine died a couple of years ago and had been suffering from Dementia for at least 5 years. I think going to see your Nan would be a good thing for you to do, before you miss the chance. She of course will be different from how you remember her t be, if you haven't seen her in that long, but other than that she'll still be your Nan! She just won't remember you.... I think you'll regret it if you don't! My Great Uncle is currently in a nursing home with it too, but he actually seems happier and more 'alive' now than he did before, like all the worry and confusion has gone.

[Toms306]

This probably sounds a bit sexist but I think it must be easier for girls to talk to thier Mums, afterall you will have more in common and will have had to talk about other, umm, awkward lady things previously. Thats a very good idea about eplaining it is to help her understand rather than worry though.

As you've probably guessed by now, clarity and confidence are two skills I definitly lack. Especially when talking to someone, regardless of whether or not I know them, it seems to be worse if I do know them tbh. And especially when its talking about myself as I absolutely hate doing it, I know that probably seems odd as I'm nearly solidly talking about myself on here at the moment, but its because I hate doing it in real life and will avoid it if I can.

I don't disagree though, you're definitely right that I need to keep trying to explain stuff to them. I'm always gonna feel like I'm 'being a burden' though, as I always do.

I'm sure hypnotherapy does help some people, but I'm also sure it works as kind of a placebo effect because people think it will help, and Im afraid for me, it wouldn't work as I have the wrong mindset. I've read about several people in similar situations trying all these things that are supposed to help (whether thats talking or drugs or whatever) but it doesn't change anything when they (or I) have got stuck in the mindset that it won't make a difference. I dont know how to change that mindset.

If my Nan does pull through she wont be going 'home', my Dad and his wife are desperatley trying to get her a social services warden controlled flat - and I've seen how tiny these places are! It wouldn't work anyway though for many other reasons. One being the loo, she is extremely old/frail now which makes her slow at everything, it takes her about an hour and a half to get ready in the bathroom in the morning and I couldn't cope with that for a start. I wont go into all the reasons but the list is endless as to why I couldn't move in with her. Probably one of the main things is I know at some point I'd end up finding her dead one day and I couldn't put up with the thought of that, I'd just worry about that until it happened.


And i also agree about Kent's Nan, he can keep putting off (as I would, and do, with everything) but eventually it'll be too late and he'll regret not going then....

[Stephen]

Lol Niall, I'd been expecting that!

I want to start going to more meets this year and would be good to see you there Tom!

Try and stay positive like many have said!

I haven't had the best dealt hand when it comes to health, completely different to yours but still has always caused issues in my life.

But I find you have to remember to always look on the bright side, be thankful for what you do have and always remember it could always be worse!

If life was easy it would be pretty boring.

Given the choice between boring and difficult or boring and easy, I know which one I'd choose!!

And, I'm aware it could be worse, but it could also be a lot better! The problem is I'm always expecting things to get worse as well, I can't stop thinking about things that will inevitably happen that will be worse. If that makes sense anyway...

Can someone give me some examples of the positives I should be looking for? I've still not found any....

Your alive
You have family even if there not ideal
Your a part of the best car forum on the internetz
You have a 306
You have qualifications,
You have some money.

Just got to count your blessings.

I'm really close with my mum so it's not just a girl thing.

---

I think it boils down to your attitude, every suggestion thrown at you, you pull faults at it instead of pulling good things from it.
I'm not trying to have a go. But it's just a destructive frame of mind to have.

I know your not in the best situation and I probably wouldn't swap my problems for yours, even though I have a relatively low life expectancy.

A quote i always like
'pain is inevitable, suffering is optional'

[kentiiboii]

I think you need to continue the conversation with your Mum, over time and in small doses. Make it clear that your opening up was not so she could worry about you, but so that she could understand the issues you face. You have to be clear and confident when you do this to get your point across. Explain that now she understands (or at least knows) about this, you'd like to see some consideration from her and the rest of the family when it comes to the kitchen etc. You have to be strong and stand your ground here, the only way you're going to get through to them is to keep explaining. If you come away from this feeling bad for them then frankly you're not doing it right!

I know it's been said but you seriously do need to consider professional help. I, just like everyone else, have various mental traits caused by things that have happened in life. Whilst I'm not open to counseling, there are other avenues to explore and they WILL help (I have done). Your negative attitude is making you see these as a bad thing, a 'waste of time'. For once please see these as a positive. How do you know if they're a waste of time if you don't bloody well try?? I believe Scott has mentioned this in the past, but his Mum is a Hypnotherapist, and could probably recommend someone in your area. Believe me, this sort of thing helps.

I'm sorry to hear about your Nan, but if she were to pull through and go home, would there not be an option for the two of you to find a small place together? Some retirement flats do have two bedrooms you know Could you agree that the kitchen and the cleaning aspects are your domain, and ask her to leave food prep etc down to you? It's a baby step with someone understanding, and would give you more control?

Kent- I'm sorry to hear about your Nan too. Mine died a couple of years ago and had been suffering from Dementia for at least 5 years. I think going to see your Nan would be a good thing for you to do, before you miss the chance. She of course will be different from how you remember her t be, if you haven't seen her in that long, but other than that she'll still be your Nan! She just won't remember you.... I think you'll regret it if you don't! My Great Uncle is currently in a nursing home with it too, but he actually seems happier and more 'alive' now than he did before, like all the worry and confusion has gone.

You've got it all spot on there for Tom kimmie .

As for me I know I should. Think I may go with my mamma one day but I know I really ain't going to like what I see. Everyone keeps telling me I should. But I guess I'm more scared than anything. Plus I've been rather lucky in life and never had anyone close to me die. So I know I'd break down more if I went to see her.

[Toms306]

Your alive Thats not a positive.
You have family even if there not ideal They are a major part of the problem, could do without them!
Your a part of the best car forum on the internetz Well ok, I'll give you that one!
You have a 306 Thats certainly NOT a posistive
You have qualifications, Well, I dont really, the C&G and BTEC mean nothing without the NVQ that I dont have. And whats the point anyway? Letters on a peice of paper mean nothing in the real world compared to actual skills and experience.
You have some money. But not enough to be of any use, and without being able to top it up, it's disappearing quickly

Just got to count your blessings.

I'm really close with my mum so it's not just a girl thing.

---

I think it boils down to your attitude, every suggestion thrown at you, you pull faults at it instead of pulling good things from it.
I'm not trying to have a go. But it's just a destructive frame of mind to have.

I know your not in the best situation and I probably wouldn't swap my problems for yours, even though I have a relatively low life expectancy.

A quote i always like
'pain is inevitable, suffering is optional'

I really do envy your positivity Stephen, not just yours, but I know about some of the problems you have yet I don't think I've ever read you complaining about anything at all.

I just cant see what will be good in the future, I've really been trying to find something to aim for, but all I've done is depressed myself by finding there really isn't anything. It's just a lot of hardwork to eventually die anyway. And I bet if I ask anyone on here why they enjoy life they probably can't tell me, I guess they'll say they spend the majority of thier time doing work that they hate, then coming home and being bored instead. So whats the point of all the effort just for that? They may say 'once a year I enjoy a summer holiday', well its something I'd hate but regardless of that, its one week out of 52, is it really worth enduring the other 51?

Sorry, I know I'm in a depressive mood this evening, I'll give the forum a rest for a tonight.

[Stephen]

I think a lot of what makes people happy or keeps them going is there interests. Everyone on this forum is interested in cars mainly peugeots.
You clearly have an interest in cars or you wouldn't be here in the first place. I'm not saying that being interested in cars is going to solve all your problems. It's just the small things you enjoy that keep you going. Yeah everyone has to work to get by that just how the world works, I've luckily been able not to work for the past six months, it has been the best six months of my life but it would not of been possible at all without hard work before hand to save up the money.

There's a lot of people giving you good advice in this thread so at least see that positively.

I think as someone said going to the doctor and enquiring about some sort of incapacity benefit could be a help to get you out of your current situation.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

---

Also read this:
http://paidtoexist.com/the-secret-to-hap...op-caring/

[Toms306]

You're probably right Stephen. Unfortunately I've lost interest in anything at all now though. I don't even like driving anymore, I used to, hence joining here, but over a while that interest has completely gone, maybe it's because I'm stuck in a HDi, maybe it's because I know I can't really afford to drive anywhere, maybe it's just all the enegry that is taken away by anxiety thats just meant theres no energy left to want to do anything else. I don't know, infact I probably will never know.



It's time for an update on the situation anyway - as it's just getting worse and worse.

Well since my Nans been in hospital I've not been getting paid for helping her with the house/garden - and as shes moving into a flat next week, she will no longer need help so I won't be getting that ~£30 a week anymore. My other Nan has got her dog walker back, so I'm just doing the garden for her atm, which she gives me a tenner a week for. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but that only just covers food. Infact since the start of the year all I've 'earnt' is £60 - had to fill the HDi for another month (hopefully it lasts that long) last week, £70 gone, so now I'm eating into savings just to get by now.

This lack of money has meant I'm not able to go out unless it's really necessary - which has made going anywhere almost impossible again now which is so frustrating given how far I'd got just a few months ago.

The 'rents have been home for most of last week. Mum had an operation on Tuesday (came home weds afternoon) and is home in recovery now, and her bf is staying home with her. I feel horrible and ungrateful for having to say this but because of that it's been near impossible to do anything at all over the last few days, anxiety levels have been through the roof, OCD levels have been ridiculous and I've barely left the bathroom for longer than an hour at any point. This is a complete contrast of the first couple of days where I was actually starting feel better, toilet was more 'solid' and less frequent, OCD probs were noticeably less and above all for a couple of hours a day on Mon/Tue/Weds anxiety levels dropped to a point where I thought there was actually some hope. The only difference was people out of the house and I KNEW they wouldn't be coming home for a certain length of time.

Now as said I could barely do anything, just simple things that you guys probably take for granted like getting up, having food, washing up etc are so difficult atm it's a struggle just to get through each day, so theres no way at all I could try adding a job into that as well.

Honestly my current view is that people like myself are just a drain on rescources that could be much better used on other people and should be culled, natural selection isn't working well enough. Get rid of the useless people and the world be a much better place.

Anyway, unfortunately that isn't gonna happen so gotta try and do something with the situation. The only possible solution I can find is moving out, and I know my Nan has now changed her will so I get the inheritance on my 21st birthday (this month). I told my Dad what I wanted to do with the money (as he had to change the will for Nan, I dodnt tell him the reason why though) and told him I didn't think it'd be enough for what i needed to do. He said maybe I should ask my other Nan if she'd match it for my 21st birthday? Now surely with £5k I'd be able to move out and it last long enough for me to get into work? This is how I see it -

Pro's

-Freedom to do what I want/relax/reduce anxiety levels
-Closer proximity to town so easier for the distance issue and much lower fuel costs (costs me £4 a day in fuel to go town and back atm, add in parking costs and you lose over an hour of work already)
-Nan has said I can take anything she doesnt need in her new flat - this includes washer/dryer, freezer, wardrobe, smallish tv, chest of drawers and various furniture - however we dont have space to store these items so if I don't move soonish we will just have to sell/skip them.
-I still have a big car capable of shifting almost anything I need it to without worrying about damaging it currently. MOT/tax/insurance run out mid march and it will likely be scrapped/px'd before this for something smaller, cheaper, much more economical.
-Possibly find some new interests/friends locally if I were in a new environment (maybe meet some other people in the same block of flats for example)


Cons

-Obviously it's a hell of a lot of money and given the choice I wouldn't 'waste' it on just living BUT if this is the only way I'm gonna start earning and maybe find a different attitude towards life then surely its worth it.
-The big 'what if'...what if I can't find a job before the money starts getting low, or what if I don't get any better. Well no-one can say whether or not it will happen, but I never do anything as Im always thinking of the whatifs, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and actually do something productive, even if it is a chance that it could go all go tits up. As my Dad said, he's sure I won't end up in some homeless shelter, if worst came to worst I would have to ask a family member for a bit of money to sort the issue and theres not much chance of them saying no. Ofcourse thats only if the worst happens, I would really hope it doesn't come to that.


So what do you reckon guys? I'll be honest I've been feeling so bad over the last few days I was genuinely trying to find some way to end things. So I know its now or never that I've gotta do something.....

[procta]

tom why dont you learn to play and instrument? as it will help you unwind. also tom thats what your mums there for to talk to and help you! as you are her son and she will always do the best to help you.

[Stephen]

Do it man, move out.
Might as well give it a shot!

Good luck with it!

[Andy]

Come live with me and share my bed mate.

I'll take things off your mind x) haha.

All joking aside.
Fair play if you're actually gonna do it. Worth a try mate.

[Toms306]

tom why dont you learn to play and instrument? as it will help you unwind. also tom thats what your mums there for to talk to and help you! as you are her son and she will always do the best to help you.

Instruments aren't really my thing tbh, not musical at all, was forced into a few piano lessons that I hated and picked up the guitar I was bought about once and got bored...thats more my sisters department, annoying the f*ck out of everybody with her piano/keyboard and various guitars (even one with 12 strings..I mean whats the point lol!)

And in a way you're right, Mums want what they 'think' is best...which isn't necessarily best. Theres also obviously an element of her not wanting to 'lose' her baby (ok so Im almost 21 and nearly 6ft, but still, you know what mums are like...) so she'll try and put me off as much as possible, adding negativity to my own negativeness - but Im not gonna let her do that this time.

Do it man, move out.
Might as well give it a shot!

Good luck with it!

Cheers Steve.

Come live with me and share my bed mate.

I'll take things off your mind x) haha.

All joking aside.
Fair play if you're actually gonna do it. Worth a try mate.

Sounds ideal, won't be cold in bed anymore...just worried about little things 'popping up' during the night...


But seriously, yeah I'm gonna bite the bullet and go for it I think. Got a month of things to be getting on with - but about March time if I could move out I think the difference will be massive. And hopefully I won't have to keep filling the forum with depressiveness and negativeness (thats what CAR's here for right... )

[kentiiboii]

hopefully I won't have to keep filling the forum with depressiveness and negativeness (thats what CAR's here for right... )

Well if that's all it would of tool I'm sure we would of donated a long time ago!

[Niall]

Tom, you really need to prioritise what's going on here. Moving out does sound like a good idea and despite what others say, if it helps you and gets you back on track, it's not a waste of your inheritance at all as it will transform your life. Personally, I'd do it but obviously that takes time so first, you need to get your self down the doctors and basically tell them to stop f*cking about and get you into counciling if things are getting as bad as you say. There's only one person that can help you at the moment and that's you!

[C.A.R.]

Niall is right, basically the doctor has done his job as far as he is concerned, unless you help yourself and insist on further help.

I'm still in the camp that worries about using inheritence money for a deposit on rented accommodation, it just seems wrong, however I can see how it would work as a 'step' for you. As long as that is all you use it for and you look after the rest of it, being careful not to just use the cash sum to pay rent for X number of months until it dries up.

But good luck either way.

[declantg]

Tom I honestly think you should secure a job before spending money on rent.

Because I don't want to see you more un happy because your inheritance was wasted on X amount of months of independantness

[kentiiboii]

Tom I honestly think you should secure a job before spending money on rent.

Because I don't want to see you more un happy because your inheritance was wasted on X amount of months of independantness

Ditto. You have time to find a job first then you can find a place to go.

[procta]

First of all Tom I know you wasn't technically shouting but you was getting your point across which is more of what I ment.
I've read the whole thread so I've been watching everything. Just trying to find possible ways to help you mate. But your never going to do this on your own. You need someone there to help you.
You remind me of my mrs a lot. You always find the negatives in everything you do and never consider the positives. Before you've done something you've already decided the negative is going to happen therefore you won't do it.
Always remember "you never know till you've asked".
Ok you've told your mum to a small degree but she might only think it's a little matter that you've got under controll. You need to tell her how serious it really is. Tell her your day to day routine and what happens if it gets interrupted like your stepdad coming home. The little things that your thinking about your stepdad being there to us lot seem like nothing but to you there massive things. You need to make sure you tell your mum just how bad it is.

As I said you really don't know till you've asked. I understand she's not supportive now. But you don't know why your just acting as if she doesn't care.


Sorry to hear about your gran, mines been in a care home since i was 13 with demensha(how ever it's spelt). I havnt seen her since she went in Becuase I wanna remember the good times with her, the last memory I have of her is me coming downstairs in me boxers and her calling me a fat b*sterd which at 13 isn't really good to hear. But I've been told she hasn't got long left I really wanna see her but really don't wanna she her the way she is.
But I think moving in with your gran really would benifit you both. I know you don't clean every 5 minutes I was exaggerating but your help her out more than what she would be doing for you. Specially if she's really struggling.
If she's lived in her house where she is now for a long time then maybe shed really appreciate the help to keep it.

iam the same with my gran, she was diagnosted with alzheimer's disease last year. very very hard time that was last year. i backed my mum so the pain was shared. the worst part was packing my grans flat up, as there were a lot of memories of my grandad and my gran. i remembered when i helped set the place up ready for them to move in etc.
hard to believe that 6 years down the line you would be packing the place up.
sad thing is most of the stuff they had got scrapped. which was sad and a waste.
i think in late 2011 i lost my gran as shes not the same person anymore
you have to laugh as you will end up crying.
christ what a hard year last was for the family.

[Toms306]

There's only one person that can help you at the moment and that's you!

I couldn't agree more, not some doctor or some f*cking useless counsellor - me. And i wish I'd realised this a long time ago instead of wanting someone to tell me a quick fix for my desperate situation. Which has just lengthened it!

It's not gonna change quickly, and the ONLY way it'll change is if I try and 'ignore' anxiety (which fuels everything else) and live life along side it...it will then slowly disappear. OCD can't be fixed, neither can IBS, however they can be reduced mainly by reducing stress or anxiety.

What I've been doing for so long is trying to fix my problems before carrying on with life, which I now know is the completely wrong way to look at it. There's no 'fix', it can't be fixed (which is what I struggle to get my head round...there's no problem in mechanics for example that can't physically be fixed) so why try to fix an unfixable thing? f*ck it, it'll go, albeit slowly and gradually but only if I keep pushing through it. Take this morning for example, lots of important times and meeting people and new places sorting out moving my nan into her flat - toilet issues were worse than they've been for a while, and usually at that point I'd stay at home panicking all day...difference was today I just said 'f*ck it'....and went anyway, not the best strategy as the consequences could be serious, however they weren't, yes I felt awful and wouldn't chance a fart, but I actually achieved several small goals for the day.

Tom I honestly think you should secure a job before spending money on rent.

Because I don't want to see you more un happy because your inheritance was wasted on X amount of months of independantness

Ditto. You have time to find a job first then you can find a place to go.

Guys, I dunno how many times I've said this, its not at all possible where I am currently. I realise you can't necessarily understand it, and it frustrates me that I can't really explain it in a way people can understand.

First of all Tom I know you wasn't technically shouting but you was getting your point across which is more of what I ment.
I've read the whole thread so I've been watching everything. Just trying to find possible ways to help you mate. But your never going to do this on your own. You need someone there to help you.
You remind me of my mrs a lot. You always find the negatives in everything you do and never consider the positives. Before you've done something you've already decided the negative is going to happen therefore you won't do it.
Always remember "you never know till you've asked".
Ok you've told your mum to a small degree but she might only think it's a little matter that you've got under controll. You need to tell her how serious it really is. Tell her your day to day routine and what happens if it gets interrupted like your stepdad coming home. The little things that your thinking about your stepdad being there to us lot seem like nothing but to you there massive things. You need to make sure you tell your mum just how bad it is.

As I said you really don't know till you've asked. I understand she's not supportive now. But you don't know why your just acting as if she doesn't care.


Sorry to hear about your gran, mines been in a care home since i was 13 with demensha(how ever it's spelt). I havnt seen her since she went in Becuase I wanna remember the good times with her, the last memory I have of her is me coming downstairs in me boxers and her calling me a fat b*sterd which at 13 isn't really good to hear. But I've been told she hasn't got long left I really wanna see her but really don't wanna she her the way she is.
But I think moving in with your gran really would benifit you both. I know you don't clean every 5 minutes I was exaggerating but your help her out more than what she would be doing for you. Specially if she's really struggling.
If she's lived in her house where she is now for a long time then maybe shed really appreciate the help to keep it.

iam the same with my gran, she was diagnosted with alzheimer's disease last year. very very hard time that was last year. i backed my mum so the pain was shared. the worst part was packing my grans flat up, as there were a lot of memories of my grandad and my gran. i remembered when i helped set the place up ready for them to move in etc.
hard to believe that 6 years down the line you would be packing the place up.
sad thing is most of the stuff they had got scrapped. which was sad and a waste.
i think in late 2011 i lost my gran as shes not the same person anymore
you have to laugh as you will end up crying.
christ what a hard year last was for the family.

Sorry to hear about your gran Andy.

My nans moving into a small flat tomorrow so the last few days here have been hectic here. And I've got around 3 or 4 skip fulls of stuff to clear out the house now that she's taken what she can!

I will admit i don't have any sentiment or memories about the stuff though, even though most of its been there for my entire life. Stuff is just stuff to me, however almost every damn ornament/trinket means something sentimentally to my nan so I know its hard for her, she doesn't even want to know what we get rid of as it'll upset her.

[Niall]

There's only one person that can help you at the moment and that's you!

I couldn't agree more, not some doctor or some f*cking useless counsellor - me. And i wish I'd realised this a long time ago instead of wanting someone to tell me a quick fix for my desperate situation. Which has just lengthened it!

It's not gonna change quickly, and the ONLY way it'll change is if I try and 'ignore' anxiety (which fuels everything else) and live life along side it...it will then slowly disappear. OCD can't be fixed, neither can IBS, however they can be reduced mainly by reducing stress or anxiety.

What I've been doing for so long is trying to fix my problems before carrying on with life, which I now know is the completely wrong way to look at it. There's no 'fix', it can't be fixed (which is what I struggle to get my head round...there's no problem in mechanics for example that can't physically be fixed) so why try to fix an unfixable thing? f*ck it, it'll go, albeit slowly and gradually but only if I keep pushing through it. Take this morning for example, lots of important times and meeting people and new places sorting out moving my nan into her flat - toilet issues were worse than they've been for a while, and usually at that point I'd stay at home panicking all day...difference was today I just said 'f*ck it'....and went anyway, not the best strategy as the consequences could be serious, however they weren't, yes I felt awful and wouldn't chance a fart, but I actually achieved several small goals for the day.

Well in which case, good man. You've just said there that youve achieved a goal today. Ok it may not of been a very big one or significant to most but if you can now do that every time you need to go out, thats one step forwards.

Im not saying dont take the counciling. If i was you, id take all the help you can get! It might seem like its pretty pointless and they wont help you but you would be surprised at how much counciling can help!

[kentiiboii]

£5k won't last you as long as you think dude. You'd need deposits first months rent that's 1-1.5k gone. Then you'd have to buy things like sofa fridge cooker washer dryer pots pans cups bath shit. Lifetime supply of bog roll (would have to be cushell cos don't want you getting a sore bum now!). Much more. With £k I wouldn't see you going 2 months without working.

[Toms306]

You must live like a king Kent...how f*cking much!? . My mum doesn't spend that a month with a motgage and 4 people...

I'm not sure what you think I'm looking at but a months rent is about 350, and a month deposit is 700, that's half what you're expecting! . I won't have to buy much at all, I already bought a lot of my own things (almost everything I own I've bought - bed, pc/tv, pc table, wardrobe, bedside cupboard, Hoover, plates, glasses, cuttlery), and anything else I can have from nans incuding fridge freezer, washer dryer, furniture, even a full suite if I wanted (but I'll probably sell it and just buy one comfortable chair!)

You joke about bogroll (i use shops one...not the posh one or the cheap sand paper lol) but i honestly think soap/kitchen roll/bog roll will be my biggest expense for shopping!

Also, as the cars going I can sell all the leftover Pug stuff and vw stuff and all the crap in the loft and garage I never got round to selling to make some more money to add to the pot.

I'm not just rushing into this, I've really been thinking it through.

[procta]

There's only one person that can help you at the moment and that's you!

I couldn't agree more, not some doctor or some f*cking useless counsellor - me. And i wish I'd realised this a long time ago instead of wanting someone to tell me a quick fix for my desperate situation. Which has just lengthened it!

It's not gonna change quickly, and the ONLY way it'll change is if I try and 'ignore' anxiety (which fuels everything else) and live life along side it...it will then slowly disappear. OCD can't be fixed, neither can IBS, however they can be reduced mainly by reducing stress or anxiety.

What I've been doing for so long is trying to fix my problems before carrying on with life, which I now know is the completely wrong way to look at it. There's no 'fix', it can't be fixed (which is what I struggle to get my head round...there's no problem in mechanics for example that can't physically be fixed) so why try to fix an unfixable thing? f*ck it, it'll go, albeit slowly and gradually but only if I keep pushing through it. Take this morning for example, lots of important times and meeting people and new places sorting out moving my nan into her flat - toilet issues were worse than they've been for a while, and usually at that point I'd stay at home panicking all day...difference was today I just said 'f*ck it'....and went anyway, not the best strategy as the consequences could be serious, however they weren't, yes I felt awful and wouldn't chance a fart, but I actually achieved several small goals for the day.

Tom I honestly think you should secure a job before spending money on rent.

Because I don't want to see you more un happy because your inheritance was wasted on X amount of months of independantness

Ditto. You have time to find a job first then you can find a place to go.

Guys, I dunno how many times I've said this, its not at all possible where I am currently. I realise you can't necessarily understand it, and it frustrates me that I can't really explain it in a way people can understand.

First of all Tom I know you wasn't technically shouting but you was getting your point across which is more of what I ment.
I've read the whole thread so I've been watching everything. Just trying to find possible ways to help you mate. But your never going to do this on your own. You need someone there to help you.
You remind me of my mrs a lot. You always find the negatives in everything you do and never consider the positives. Before you've done something you've already decided the negative is going to happen therefore you won't do it.
Always remember "you never know till you've asked".
Ok you've told your mum to a small degree but she might only think it's a little matter that you've got under controll. You need to tell her how serious it really is. Tell her your day to day routine and what happens if it gets interrupted like your stepdad coming home. The little things that your thinking about your stepdad being there to us lot seem like nothing but to you there massive things. You need to make sure you tell your mum just how bad it is.

As I said you really don't know till you've asked. I understand she's not supportive now. But you don't know why your just acting as if she doesn't care.


Sorry to hear about your gran, mines been in a care home since i was 13 with demensha(how ever it's spelt). I havnt seen her since she went in Becuase I wanna remember the good times with her, the last memory I have of her is me coming downstairs in me boxers and her calling me a fat b*sterd which at 13 isn't really good to hear. But I've been told she hasn't got long left I really wanna see her but really don't wanna she her the way she is.
But I think moving in with your gran really would benifit you both. I know you don't clean every 5 minutes I was exaggerating but your help her out more than what she would be doing for you. Specially if she's really struggling.
If she's lived in her house where she is now for a long time then maybe shed really appreciate the help to keep it.

iam the same with my gran, she was diagnosted with alzheimer's disease last year. very very hard time that was last year. i backed my mum so the pain was shared. the worst part was packing my grans flat up, as there were a lot of memories of my grandad and my gran. i remembered when i helped set the place up ready for them to move in etc.
hard to believe that 6 years down the line you would be packing the place up.
sad thing is most of the stuff they had got scrapped. which was sad and a waste.
i think in late 2011 i lost my gran as shes not the same person anymore
you have to laugh as you will end up crying.
christ what a hard year last was for the family.

Sorry to hear about your gran Andy.

My nans moving into a small flat tomorrow so the last few days here have been hectic here. And I've got around 3 or 4 skip fulls of stuff to clear out the house now that she's taken what she can!

I will admit i don't have any sentiment or memories about the stuff though, even though most of its been there for my entire life. Stuff is just stuff to me, however almost every damn ornament/trinket means something sentimentally to my nan so I know its hard for her, she doesn't even want to know what we get rid of as it'll upset her.

sad thing is tom, my gran ever got the option to say good bye to her stuff. as the shelted place pulled the plug on her! also she doesnt really remember her flat she was in. my auntie said to me, christ i bet it was one of the hardest things you and your mum done. my auntie was on hol at the time we cleared my grans flat.
my mum wanted the place to be cleared before the 4 weeks were up. my dad didnt really help matters at all, saying we will skip this and that etc. tbh tom i thought things may have turned more sour. so i stepped in and said to my mum, what you want to do. she told me her plan, the two of us had the place cleared with in 3 days. carpets the lot, my mum kept what she wanted etc as my dad would have just binned everything etc. at least me and my mum got to scrap or keep what was wanted and needed.
the most hurtful thing was scrapping a perfect settee and my grandads chair. ( we couldnt even sell them) my auntie would have been well upset. so my mum had a plan to say she gave it away. but my dad said he scrapped it. which could have caused a nasty stirr. luckly things turned out ok in the end.
iam glad its just over now, also work acting the goat at the same time didnt really help matters either. i kept a cool head with it all. if i hadnt f*ck knows what would have happend tom. also i think i saved my mum from a break down too over it.