Time for a Fresh Start - Updated Page 3, Jan 2013

[Toms306]

Hi guys,

Well, I need your help. I know it’s a long one. But I can’t put up with it anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same catch 22 situation for several years now with no way out. I’ve tried sorting it myself, but I can’t. I’ve tried going to the pro’s via doctors, and they’ve put me on a counselling waiting list – that is SEVERAL months long, well that’s not much help to me, I need something now. And I don’t really have anyone else to ask except you guys, as sad as that may sound. Now I know some of you probably couldn’t care less – and that’s fair enough, but please don’t comment if you’ve nothing positive to add. I know I often take the piss or wind people up but this is genuinely a “help me I’m desperate” thread. I know it will either go really well and I’ll be out of here in a few months – or it’ll go really badly and it’ll turn into a 10 page thread of abuse ending in a lock, I’m hoping for at least somewhere between those two points lol. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated, especially if you can help me achieve the aim, and of course rep will be given if you’re bothered by that.


The catch 22 Situation

Ok, so most of you know I’m out of work currently, you probably just think I’m a lazy bastard though, which isn’t the case. The truth is, and I feel so pathetic typing this, but I CANNOT do a job while I’m living here with the people I live with, I’m struggling enough without a job tbh, and I just can’t do one while here. I’ll explain why shortly, it’s to do with the issues that I have. BUT I know for a fact if I could get out of here, live alone, near to a town/city, I would be so much better off in myself, and would definitely be able to do at least P/T work to get me started again. But here’s where I need your help – I can’t get a job while I live here – and I can’t move out without having the money from a job. And this cycles constantly through my brain and I’m at the point now where I can’t put up with it any longer, but I can’t do anything about it either. Basically I need to move out on my own, with very little money to start with, but with the aim of finding P/T work shortly after the move. I’m currently on no benefits, not even JSA (I’ll explain why in a bit) but if there’s any I could get that would help with this then I’d be willing to go for them now.


The problems with living here

Right, firstly I’ll say I KNOW most of you won’t understand any of this next bit, and will just think I’m a big pansy – but it’s not quite that simple and I know a few people will understand…hopefully lol. But the reason you won’t understand is you guys take so much for granted that it just seems normal for everyone. So for any that don’t know, the background info is I have problems with OCD/Anxiety/IBS which actually affect almost everything indirectly, well basically they do rule my entire life. And when any one of those is made worse, that in turn worsens the other 2, it’s like fighting a constant battle that I never seen to be winning.
One of the things that does help with all of the above is sticking to a good routine, things like getting up at the same time, using the loo at the same time, eating at the same time – but this just isn’t possible due to the other people in the house. I can’t do what I need to do, when I need to do it as there are always people taking up the kitchen or bathroom when I need to be using those rooms. I can’t even get up at a sensible time now as I’m always ‘in the way’ of the ones that have jobs to get to. But if I can’t do something as simple as get up at a decent time to get a routine in place there’s not much chance of anything further.

Also having a ‘vacant’ loo as much as possible is extremely important to me, as IBS can start at any point, with very little warning. And when I’m not near a ‘safe’ toilet or can’t get to it (i.e. it’s occupied), it makes me need to go! This is not good because we only have one loo to share between the 4 of us in the house. You also have to realise I have great difficulty using the loo at all while I’m out, have you ever been in the situation where you’re desperate for the loo but physically can’t go? Well if not it really is a horrible feeling! So I have to try and ‘empty’ before going out.

Another massive problem I have living here is food, partly due to anxiety (I can’t eat when near people, I know how daft that sounds) but mainly due to OCD ‘contamination’ issues. This means I can’t anything I feel has been ‘contaminated’ at any point, including cutlery touched etc. – I have to re-wash everything. There was actually quite a funny comedy thing on this at the Apollo last week by Jon Richardson about something similar - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01...Episode_2/ 21 mins in - However it’s not so funny in reality, especially when you get told off by the ‘rents for re washing stuff (wasting water) so trying to do it in a state of panic while they’re out hoping they don’t come home before I’ve finished! And as I said, can’t eat around people – I guarantee none of you will have seen me eat anything lol. Now I used to get round this by re-washing up as soon as I got home, then making sure I got my dinner before the ‘rents came home. However since my step-dad changed his job he now comes home at any time, so this doesn’t work anymore, and I’m always worried about his return! I end up eating really early (like 4.45pm), in my bedroom now just to try and get around this. Further f*cking up my routine. Plus, people (well the northern one in particular!) can’t leave stuff alone – I have my own set of drinking glasses…only I use them, keep them separate, keep the used ones in my room and then I’ll wash them up – but apparently this isn’t good enough, certain people keep using my damn glasses AND talking them from my room to poorly wash and mix them with the others – again, I know it’ll sound daft to you but its something that I really can’t put up with.

Due to my step dads change of hours, and the fact that my sister now is at college only doing a few days a week, there’s almost constantly someone else here, and even when they’re not I’m in constant fear of them coming home. I’m scared that they’ll come home while I’m washing up, doing the washing, hovering etc. because I actually get told off for wasting electricity and water….I can’t do much outside either, fixing/cleaning cars is apparently also a waste of electric, water and god forbid I should still be using the flat drive when they come home! I shouldn’t be scared of being at home as well as being out – this is ridiculous. And weekends are awful due to this, because the rents don’t always go out. I’m absolutely dreading xmas, as apart from the usual raised stress levels at that time of year, people are off work and home all the time, and you have to try and eat with them, wash up round them etc. If I could’ve afforded to go away somewhere over Xmas I would’ve done.

Now the problem you probably all know about is distance....but it’s so much worse than just ‘not being able to drive far’. This is a mixture of things but the main one is shit, litterally – IBS can come on at any time and my guts are pretty f*cked anyway. And as I can’t go when I’m out, I have to go home to ‘do’ anything, so this really ruins going out at all, let alone far. Sometimes I don’t even get halfway to town before having to turn round and head home.

I did do a week’s work experience at a Ford dealer in January, and while I really enjoyed playing with the cars, most of which diesels, the other problems made it almost impossible to do, certainly not something I could keep up longer than the week. Just as a quick daily – I’d have bad anxiety shits in the morning and literally empty out, then have to stop at an empty supermarket before work and try have an anxiety wee as I knew I wouldn’t be able to go at the dealers with so many people there, then at lunch time would have to race home (15 miles) to have yet another shit, eat something ‘safe’ (usually dry bread) then race back within the lunch hour. Then I felt awful all afternoon from eating on an empty stomach, then had to race home when it got to 5pm to wash up and get dinner before the ‘rents got back (before step dad changed his hours) – I realise it sounds absolutely stupid, but it’s the only way I could work around my issues and actually manage to kind of do a job at the same time. Obviously with such a big distance it’s just not possible to do it in reality, and you can see why I used so much fuel!

You may also know I used to work part time as a till tart in a small supermarket. I wasn’t fired, truth is I couldn’t cope with it anymore and had to give it up. I managed to keep it a year, shits every morning, dreading going to work, constant panic which was made worse by cuntish customers and big, scary, black underage guys wanting to buy stuff without ID – I couldn’t cope with it, I was getting to the car park half the time and having to phone in with an excuse as I just couldn’t face going in. But I couldn’t let my ‘rents know I hadn’t gone…so I’d just sit in the car hiding at the back of some car park contemplating topping myself, I never had the balls to do it unfortunately. Anyway it got to the point I phoned in ill every day for a week and a half and I just said that was enough, I had to give it up and haven’t been back since.

And had the same issues with college, it was a situation I felt I couldn’t get away from which made me need the loo all the time, even on the ‘good’ days I was having to head to home and back at lunch time like with the Ford dealer I mentioned before. I missed at least 50% of college by the end of the year, but still passed due to teaching myself a lot of the stuff – so you can see why I get things wrong now and then.

So hopefully even if you don’t understand why I do these things, you can at least appreciate that I do HAVE to do them. You can hopefully see that I’m not just a lazy lady garden, and that I am trying damn hard constantly to get around problems, but it seems like I try so hard, and don’t get so far.

Anyway, when I finished college, it was the same time as step dads hours changed, and as my sister started college, and I just can’t seem to do anything now. I’m not looking for work currently, as I can barely manage without work, and know I couldn’t do a job atm and don’t want to go through the whole process to just get fired a week later. But because of this, I can’t even claim JSA, and don’t know if there’s anything else I could be claiming so I’m just scraping by doing errands for my Nans basically. Both of whom were widowed within the last year and can’t drive so I’ve got a constant stream of ‘work’ there. But the problem with this is that I only get around £40 by doing that, or a bit extra if I’ve fixed someone’s car/sold some stuff but that has to cover food and fuel…and it just doesn’t unfortunately. So you can see why I whinge so much about a few mpg…yes it really does make such a big difference to myself. I’ve also got the ‘rents and various relatives on my back all the time trying to bully me into getting a job/JSA but currently I can’t do it…but I also can’t make my Mum understand that, I obviously haven’t told her that thet’re part of the problem, I’m not such a rude bastard…..and there’s no way I’m gonna try explaining to anyone else I’m apparently related to.


The current situation

So now I’m in a really shit situation where I’m still hating life, myself, my problems and pretty much everything else tbh. If I had a choice, I’d happily swap with some poor kid that’s got loads left to give but is say killed in a car accident – I’ve got nothing to give, I’m nearly 21 without achieving anything, ever, I don’t seem to enjoy anything and there’s no chance of me pro-creating, so really what’s the point in it all?

The only way I can see any of this changing at all is if I can get the f*ck out of here as soon as possible, away from all this shit, right away from any family or any old school/work colleagues and completely start fresh. It’d have to be somewhere away, but still reasonably close, think Felixstowe might still be a bit close - say Bury st Edmunds or Norwich or Yarmouth, that kinda distance. Gotta be on my own. Gotta be close enough in the town/city that I would easily be able to nip home from work at lunch times. And hopefully it wouldn’t be ‘too’ difficult to get a PT job shelf stacking or similar shortly after moving, or at least go onto JSA then. Would aim to do this around Feb/March time.

I don’t know how to do any of this though, I don’t know the costs involved, I don’t know anything really and I don’t know what else to try or who else to ask.

Please help me guys.
Tom

[Scott]

Tom I've not read much of what was said but I'd just like to point out that if people don't have anything constructive to say, please don't post. Given the length of the length and subject of the post I think Tom would really appreciate serious and helpful posts.

Thanks.

[Jonny b]

f*ck me!!

Firstly never think about topping yourself it isn't the answer and Is extremely unfair on those left behind!!


isn't ibs bought on by stress? The fact you constantly stress about everything can't be helping,

Instead of trying to do everything all at once! Baby steps Tom baby steps!!

You do need to get into a routine, getting up at a sensible time and get your mind on something that you want to achieve that day, something for YOU not anyone else, the whole stressing about who's in the bathroom is bollox tbh, you want to try living in my house, the fact that everything anyone says you always find negatives! Yes there is negatives in every situation which you seem to be really good at finding! But there are also positives,

I know a couple of people with ibs that lead normal lives and control the condition,

Fact of the matter is you only need to change one thing at a time, but you certainly need a dose of mtfu!! Sorry couldn't resist it lol

Have you spoke to your rents and the people around you, they could help you out a bit by understanding, ultimately it's never going to get any better unless you want and believe it will

[Niall]

Tom you sound like you keep a lot to your self. Is your mum and step dad actually aware of half of your issues? Because from what you have just written there, they seem to be a big factor as to why you are how you are. Have you ever considered sitting down with them and basically saying I'm like this because.....
Obviously you still need out but it could be a short term fix while you get money together to move. If you don't think you can do it, you seem pretty close to your nans. Maybe you could have a chat with them and see what they say?

---

Also, to back up what Jonny says, never consider topping your self. It's a very selfish thing to do and it's also the cowards way out. You've put up with this for years and you've been offered counciling, albeit in a few months, so just battle on for them few months until you can get that help. Look how proud you were when you went to the doctors a few months back. Felt like the start to a new beginning? Just battle on and I'm sure they will help you as much as possible.

With regards to moving out, I don't want to shit on your parade but you won't do it without a job. Even if you had a few grand saved, you'd be lucky if it lasted a few months.

[InkedMuttley]

Can honestly sympathise with you there mate, I suffer with the same although my IBS is stress related (hence I literally shit myself when put in a stressful situation!) and my anxiety is a lady garden too for the last few months it's been almost crippling. It was fine for a long time after my last breakdown (nervous not vehicular...bunch of smart arses!) but the last few months it's kicked in overdrive especially since losing my job because of one of my customers. One thing that really helped me was my job...it kept me occupied gave me something which I enjoyed doing maybe you could try that?

Basically I was doing voluntary transport services for a charity but here's the catch...You claim 45p per mile (Sometimes you can claim a little more in exceptional circumstances) so say you did 500 miles in the month doing this you would be earning £225, so basically you're using say 10 gallons of diesel (average 50mpg for arguments sake) work it out 500 miles. 50mpg x 10= 500, Average price of a gallon on diesel £7.20 so for them 500 miles you've spent £72 but on that you will see a return of £153. The beauty of this type of work?

Because it's charitable you can do 10,000 miles a year UNTAXED. You pick your own hours and the bonus of it is it also teaches you some valuable skills when it comes to dealing with customers. And 9 times out of 10 it's usually people like your Nans that use the service for things like doctors, so usually local runs...And you work from your car so you are in a safe environment. How about something like that?

And as for the eating thing...I've worked at the farm for 2 years serving in the kitchens, and still nobody has ever seen me eat.

If you'd like me to explain a little more about it or want me to find you a local group near to you so you can start earning a bit of cash that way I'll be happy to PM you more info mate!

[C.A.R.]

Your procrastination of everyday events is at the core of many of your problems, but none of us a psychiatrists so we can't help much with that.

What I'm curious about is how you managed when you were at school / college. It can only have been 4-5 years ago which yes I know is around 1 quarter of your lifetime it should still be within memory!

Not being around people is a really sh*t thing, so whatever you can do to get out and about is a plus.

[kentiiboii]

Duuuudeeee.
Don't commit suicide as said its for cowards!
Your biggest problem I can tell is like nial said you keep everything to your self and its not good as you think everyone is against you including your parents.

If you don't feel comfatable with your stepdad there then just tell your mum. If you tell your mum what have you got to loose if your already planning on moving out. But she'll help you course she will.
Tell her everything don't held back. I you can tell us you can tell her!

Or just leave this page open on the laptop so she can read it!

I can't help with aniexty or Ibs as I've never experienced them. But just wait for counselling and speak to your rents!

[C2K]

Hmmn. Took a while to read that but a few things make sense.

I've had problems with IBS in recent years, but I just try not to let it rule your life. If it means taking an extra pair of shorts with you and a toilet roll in the boot do it lol. OCD is easy to live with, just takes an understanding household which it sounds like yours isn't. My mrs didn't complain once when I had to take a slash every 20 minutes of the entire day whilst on holiday in Wales! The more you think about it, the more it does it - so you need to get it off your mind firstly.

I think, personally, your home life is causing half the problems. If you can't be honest with your own mother there's no hope of getting better at home. Had I been at home you'd have been welcome to be my car bitch for a week lol, would have proven to yourself that a stress-free environment is what you need.

[Ruan]

^^ This.

The root of nearly all these problems is the stress that is caused when you are at home, the fact that your OCD and IBS is set off and aggravated by stress means it'll simply never get better in the environment you're in... I haven't got any smart idea at the moment, but fear not, I'm thinking about it - you need some way of being in a stress free environment where you don't need to worry about what everyone else is thinking, you can get on with what you need to, you need a job close by - and also TELLING your boss about your problems, if it's somebody who actually cares about their employees, they'll understand and take you for who you are and understand... If they cannot understand and are not willing to make things easier for you, it's not the sort of place you want to work.

I think your next biggest step is trying to communicate the problems to the people who see you the most...

I am thinking about it bud...

[cully]

Tom talk to your mum
if you cant talk to her print off what you have writen ask her to read it
ask her to help you
she will help you even if its holding your hand at the doctors
dont get fobed off with the wiating list bullshit thats just cost cutting
if you press your point home the doctors can fasttrack help you, but you need to go there and make a noise,
with your mums help you both can press the point home you need help

[Poodle]

I know it's cliched, but there's no such thing as can't, that's so important to remember i can't stress it enough. Stop writing off possibilities before you've even tried them, you need to get out and actually do something about your problems. Just trying will make you feel better about it, even if it doesn't work to begin with. Quite frankly, i don't think you're considering your options properly or trying hard enough. Maybe a bit harsh, but you asked for an honest account, so that's what you're getting.

Nothing's ever going to change if you're not willing to put the effort in. Stop spending so much time on here and start looking around for alternative options. Scouring the local papers and job sites for something suitable that doesn't seem to exist may be boring, repetitive and seemingly pointless, but just going through the actions will help you. It will also give you something to distract yourself from your various issues, keep yourself busy and you can kill two birds with one stone.

You will not be able to move out if you don't have an income, it's as simple as that. Living costs money, so you need to find a way of bringing in the dosh, it doesn't have to be conventional. I know a fella who lives off of his own kleeneze business, the effective hourly wage is appalling, but it does what he needs it to and means he doesn't have too much "risky" contact with other people (extreme anger management issues). He maintains having something to do is the best way to deal with his problems, since finding the kleeneze thing he's turned into something of a workaholic, it's worked that well for him. I'm not saying that's necessarily your solution, just that you need to consider every possible angle and, more importantly, get out and start doing something about it.

I thought you were making progress with the travelling thing? Well why stop there? My mission in life is to do better. Not better than other people, just better than i'm doing at the moment. (Probably why i'm often so intolerant/able lol.) This is going to sound a bit odd (and i don't like admitting to things like this) so i hope you take it as encouragement that this is a genuine post, but it should help explain what i mean...
Recently i've been getting in from work and sitting down in front of the computer to chill. By the time Charli gets in i'm absorbed and in no mood for inane chatter about her office or to be bugged about when dinner is going to be ready. Now Charli hasn't brought it up, but she's stopped trying to talk to me when she gets in from work. I know why if i think about it and am honest with myself, so this last week i've been making a concious effort to start doing useful things about half an hour before she gets home, then i'm in a much better frame of mind for conversation when she does get in.

She might not even notice i've done it, but i feel a lot better knowing i've made that change, even though it's not for my benefit. This attitude stretches to every last little detail, and thinking about it is probably a philosophy that would suit your OCD down to the ground.

Hmmm, have written a bit of an essay there, but i hope some of it is helpful.

[Niall]

I haven't got any smart idea at the moment, but fear not, I'm thinking about it

Ruan to the rescue!!

Once he's finished throwing up.


Tom it sounds like your scared to ask for help and as I've said to you before, there's no shame in that. As cully said, there is no shame in asking your mum to come to the doctors with you or the Councillor when you get to that bit. We all need help sometimes Tom! If your mum isn't willing to do that, it sounds like she's not very supportive but from what you always right, you seem close to your nans so I'm sure one of them will go with you. It's certainly not going to be an overnight thing and I also think you are not going to be able to move out until you get a job. Most places probably won't even consider renting you a place without a job!!

[tsotd]

MMMmmm

first things first you need to see/talk to your dr.
they will make you fill out a bit of paper to see what help (if any) you should get.
most likely they will put you forward for some CBT ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_b...al_therapy )
also give you some pills, im on Fluoxetine, 4 a day but you will most likely start on 1 and work your way up.

would be worth getting in contact with the shaw trust ( http://www.shaw-trust.org.uk/home ) as they can help with finding work/houseing/benifits

[procta]

tom dont even think about topping your self or doing something stupid!
can you not stay with your dad for a few months, so your away from everything at home. then get your self a small part time job in a supermarket. ( which will help bring you out of your shell when talking to people and talking on the phone) my mate went thru every f*cking page thru the yellow pages asking if they were taking on etc.
Anxiety attacks, if you feel one coming on, just think of something you love, or a funny situation that you remember.
ie think about that mod on you want to do with the 306. or when a mate at school did something mad. ( which will take your mind off the situation) . works for me when i get worked up about work.
do that just once and thats it your mastered preventing an anxiety attack.

[Andy]

Where's JJ when you need him. We make a good team in these situations. Let's start off with what was happening to me and how I was dealing with it (It worked for me)

As I'm sure I've mentioned to you in the chatbox before... After I left school I was falling into the wrong crowd, it wasn't too bad at first with the odd Spliff here and there and getting drunk, we then started to do things such as stealing milk from doors at like 4am (this was good fun tbh, but still harsh) it then moved onto breaking into abandoned houses and hotels and stealing anything that was worth something, I then moved onto drugs such as cocaine and drinking everyday. After a while we were breaking into cars and robbing people like it was a normal daily thing for us to do.
People were after me, I was getting my head smashed in left right and centre. Then moved onto stealing a few cars and at this point I was getting very low, stealing money from work and taking as many drugs as I could lay my hands on. (Never touched heroin or crack mind) but anyway. I got so low I was contemplating killing myself, I rode 8 miles to a quiet place and had it pretty much all set up to take me away from this shitty place. I sat there still for Atleast 7 hours after a huge think about my life and what I was doing to myself. I thought what the f*ck is the point in this... My parents and family didn't like who I was but I know they still loved me for who I was because I'm their son... There's always someone that cares about you mate. NEVER EVER FORGET THAT MATE.

Right... What I did to get out of what I was like..........
After I got past the initial point if wanting to drown myself, I sat down and thought 'well, I wanna stay here for my family, I can't do that to them, I wanna change etc'
I tried to give myself something to focus on. Drawing World War II aircraft was something I loved to do. I know it sounds a little stupid but it was something I could focus on. I also gave myself a 'reward' every so often to keep myself motivated. Basically... How ever much advice you'll be getting you can only help yourself. That's why I have told you (very deeply) what happened to me and how I dealt with it.

I too have IBS and a very very mild form of OCD. The IBS affects me daily, its a very common thing that can be sorted by taking something as simple as an imodium tablet. The OCD well, I'm not really sure but all I want to say mate is read through all these replys... Take notes of the things you sit back and think 'hmm yeah I agree' on a bit of paper or on your computer and build on it yourself because ultimately.... You need to help yourself <3 love dude.

[r3k1355]

Have you been to a Doctor or Psychologist?
They will either be able to give you advice and training to help with your OCD/Anxiety or at least some meds for one of them.

If you can gain some more control over one or two of the issues then things will become simpler and you'll have more freedom in life to get a job sorted.

I think moving out so you can run your life by your crazys is not a good idea, they will rule you, you won't rule them.

[Toms306]

First I'd like to say thanks for everyone not just taking the piss!

f*ck me!!

Firstly never think about topping yourself it isn't the answer and Is extremely unfair on those left behind!!


isn't ibs bought on by stress? The fact you constantly stress about everything can't be helping,

Instead of trying to do everything all at once! Baby steps Tom baby steps!!

You do need to get into a routine, getting up at a sensible time and get your mind on something that you want to achieve that day, something for YOU not anyone else, the whole stressing about who's in the bathroom is bollox tbh, you want to try living in my house, the fact that everything anyone says you always find negatives! Yes there is negatives in every situation which you seem to be really good at finding! But there are also positives,

I know a couple of people with ibs that lead normal lives and control the condition,

Fact of the matter is you only need to change one thing at a time, but you certainly need a dose of mtfu!! Sorry couldn't resist it lol

Have you spoke to your rents and the people around you, they could help you out a bit by understanding, ultimately it's never going to get any better unless you want and believe it will

Yeah you're exactly right, IBS is caused by stress, and certain foods does it for me as well (onions/garlic/mustard etc....). And IBS causes stress too, so it just goes round in circles tbh.

See I also thought small steps or one thing at a time would help, but as I said earlier, everything is interlinked, so it's near impossible to take small steps - it needs one massive change which would 'help' a lot of the issues. I had been trying to take small steps to change things over the last few weeks but nothings changed at all.

Tom you sound like you keep a lot to your self. Is your mum and step dad actually aware of half of your issues? Because from what you have just written there, they seem to be a big factor as to why you are how you are. Have you ever considered sitting down with them and basically saying I'm like this because.....
Obviously you still need out but it could be a short term fix while you get money together to move. If you don't think you can do it, you seem pretty close to your nans. Maybe you could have a chat with them and see what they say?

---

Also, to back up what Jonny says, never consider topping your self. It's a very selfish thing to do and it's also the cowards way out. You've put up with this for years and you've been offered counciling, albeit in a few months, so just battle on for them few months until you can get that help. Look how proud you were when you went to the doctors a few months back. Felt like the start to a new beginning? Just battle on and I'm sure they will help you as much as possible.

With regards to moving out, I don't want to shit on your parade but you won't do it without a job. Even if you had a few grand saved, you'd be lucky if it lasted a few months.

Well, we're not exactly 'close' as a family lol, I often go days without speaking to any of them. I have tried telling my Mum 'part' of the problem, but she doesn't understand at all and essentially just tells me to man up - not in those words though. As for my step-dad, well he's a scary Northerner so no I haven't said anything to him.

Irony is I sit at my Nans listening to them saying how boring, depressing and shit thier lives are because they can't go out or whatever, but I couldn't face telling them about my own problems tbh. Then again...they can't do much to help anyway.

I have got a few grand saved now, and I'm almost certain my Nan would help me out financially to start with - I've already turned down over £2k that she's offered me for cars and things within the last 6 months or so. I hate taking money from people but if it's gonna get me out then I would do it.

Can honestly sympathise with you there mate, I suffer with the same although my IBS is stress related (hence I literally shit myself when put in a stressful situation!) and my anxiety is a lady garden too for the last few months it's been almost crippling. It was fine for a long time after my last breakdown (nervous not vehicular...bunch of smart arses!) but the last few months it's kicked in overdrive especially since losing my job because of one of my customers. One thing that really helped me was my job...it kept me occupied gave me something which I enjoyed doing maybe you could try that?

Basically I was doing voluntary transport services for a charity but here's the catch...You claim 45p per mile (Sometimes you can claim a little more in exceptional circumstances) so say you did 500 miles in the month doing this you would be earning £225, so basically you're using say 10 gallons of diesel (average 50mpg for arguments sake) work it out 500 miles. 50mpg x 10= 500, Average price of a gallon on diesel £7.20 so for them 500 miles you've spent £72 but on that you will see a return of £153. The beauty of this type of work?

Because it's charitable you can do 10,000 miles a year UNTAXED. You pick your own hours and the bonus of it is it also teaches you some valuable skills when it comes to dealing with customers. And 9 times out of 10 it's usually people like your Nans that use the service for things like doctors, so usually local runs...And you work from your car so you are in a safe environment. How about something like that?

And as for the eating thing...I've worked at the farm for 2 years serving in the kitchens, and still nobody has ever seen me eat.

If you'd like me to explain a little more about it or want me to find you a local group near to you so you can start earning a bit of cash that way I'll be happy to PM you more info mate!

Yeah the IBS does worry me a lot because of that - I was 'lucky' when I went up to Norfolk a month ago that the drive went fairly smoothly, I was at a fairly constant anxiety level all the way - but I know if anything had gone wrong, if say the car had broken down I'd have been up shit creek, literally.

That kind of job does sound alright tbh, if you wouldn't mind PMing some details over that'd be much appreciated.

Your procrastination of everyday events is at the core of many of your problems, but none of us a psychiatrists so we can't help much with that.

What I'm curious about is how you managed when you were at school / college. It can only have been 4-5 years ago which yes I know is around 1 quarter of your lifetime it should still be within memory!

Not being around people is a really sh*t thing, so whatever you can do to get out and about is a plus.

Well, I tried to blank out school as I hated it so much, I was always the weird loner kid...

I don't remember much about primary school tbf, but I remember I never really had a social life, my Dad was (well still is) a bellend and wouldn't let me go out much, even scaremongering me into staying out of the woods or the beach near our house because everything is apparently extremely dangerous...wonder where I get anxiety issues from. I was also the only kid washing my hands all the time, and would never eat school dinners. Luckily school was only a mile away from home so didnt need to go to the loo there.

I do remember more about high school - an 8 mile bus ride away. At some point during the first couple of years there I started getting anxiety shits every morning. And massive anxiety issues, I was always scared at last lesson I'd miss the bus home, to the point where I was almost shitting myself. I also never ate anything at high school, or used the loo there - yes thats all day (8 hours) with no food or drink or toilet....Its not really a surprise my guts are so f*cked now. I'd also get proper panicky before PE, I'd feel so drained that I could barely walk let alone run around - I was shit at PE anyway, always getting moaned at for that too. Twice in astro football I took a ball straight to the face - massive nosebleed everywhere - so I was scared of astro football after that. Then in year 10 we had DPT jab - I passed out, scraped my face across the floor and got massive carpet burn - that scared me off needles ever since. By this point most of my schoolmates were out getting pissed, stoned, having sex, smoking behind the bikesheds....I was averagely doing school work, going home, TV, bed, get up, school...and that was the cycle, i never did anything exciting or teenagerish. So like that I didn't really have any mates there either, the only two mates I had lived 8 miles away so i couldn't see them even if I wanted to. By this point I was also scared to even look at a female let alone talk to one. Towards the end of year 10 I did work experience at a honda dealer, bad guts and anxiety shits again, but very long days and miles away so major anxiety issues, but I did manage to get through the two weeks, just. Then there was GCSEs in year 11 - well I'd honestly never felt so bad in my life - almost constant shits, frequent panic attacks, scared of everything, especially being stuck in a silent room for hours without being able to get the loo! - I swear it was the GCSEs that f*cked me up properly tbh. I did manage to pass all of the GCSes though, being average as usual, all A-D grades.

Went to college two days a week to do electrics course - had to get a lift with my mum 15 miles away - more anxiety shits before that - 3 times every morning, arse red raw and guts bad for the rest of the day. I passed out tapping threads into a conduit pipe in my second week cos I was that drained. Lunch time was ridiculous - I had to walk into town, go for a wee and wash my hands in the public loos in a shopping centre (wasnt always possible if there was other people there) and eat my packed lunch on a park bench alone. Until one day this gave me proper bad food poisoning, which lasted for nearly two weeks - I never had packed lunch after that - tbh it was probably a bug instead of food poisoning but my brain forced me to think it was the food. So I hated my time there as well, did pass with distiction at the end of the course though. The next year was a night course (we were supposed to get a trade job during the day...yeah right) but as it was in the evening I didnt get morning anxiety shits! They waited till the afternoon just as I needed to go out instead. At least I could drive by then though, so no waiting for lifts, and at break times i could sit in the car alone listening to the radio. But that really messed up the routine I'd had as it was in the evening.

Anyway, after I distinctioned that too I was in the same situation as now - couldn't do a proper job, didn't know what to do - chose to go back to college for a mechanics course. By then I was proper bad, this was shortly after I'd come so close to shitting myself in the car at cambridge. Anyway, managed a few weeks (going home at lucnh times for a poo and food) until it started happening where I was getting bad panic attacks or really bad gut feelings and had to leave class, could'nt face going back in afterwards so went home each time. Told my tutor about the issues and he was very understanding - but it got worse and more often, eventually I was spending all my time in the library doing work or in a car park (couldn't go home cos the 'rents would've known). Anyway I did manage to eventually get back into class, with both tutors understanding my issues - and they even helped me get the work experience at Ford, and I'll be honest I really enjoyed the work at college and Ford, it was just my own problems that made it difficult. Passed this course as well with triple distinction grade.

But now i've got no more 'easy' options, I need to get a job, can't go back to college again and this is where I've basically just got worse again.

So really I've missed out on being a kid, and being a teenager, and I'm fed up of missing out because of these problems now. Thought it'd get better...but it doesn't, things just progressively worse until you can see no way out.

---

Duuuudeeee.
Don't commit suicide as said its for cowards!
Your biggest problem I can tell is like nial said you keep everything to your self and its not good as you think everyone is against you including your parents.

If you don't feel comfatable with your stepdad there then just tell your mum. If you tell your mum what have you got to loose if your already planning on moving out. But she'll help you course she will.
Tell her everything don't held back. I you can tell us you can tell her!

Or just leave this page open on the laptop so she can read it!

I can't help with aniexty or Ibs as I've never experienced them. But just wait for counselling and speak to your rents!

But what will that achieve? My Mum obviously likes him - so nothing would change even if I told her.

Plus I really don't want to agrevate/upset her at the moment as shes currently waiting to have her gall bladder removed - I'd imagine she's got enough to worry about with that atm.

And theres no way I'd show her this thread - I've been typing it while they're out over the last few days so they don't come in and see it lol. I've also purposely not got an oc sticker on the car so she wouldn't be tempted to caome here and keep watch.

Hmmn. Took a while to read that but a few things make sense.

I've had problems with IBS in recent years, but I just try not to let it rule your life. If it means taking an extra pair of shorts with you and a toilet roll in the boot do it lol. OCD is easy to live with, just takes an understanding household which it sounds like yours isn't. My mrs didn't complain once when I had to take a slash every 20 minutes of the entire day whilst on holiday in Wales! The more you think about it, the more it does it - so you need to get it off your mind firstly.

I think, personally, your home life is causing half the problems. If you can't be honest with your own mother there's no hope of getting better at home. Had I been at home you'd have been welcome to be my car bitch for a week lol, would have proven to yourself that a stress-free environment is what you need.

Theres already 2 bog rolls in my car lol, and a pair of trousers and boxers if I go on a long journey lol. But yeah I totally agree thinking about stuff makes it happen....the only time I get really stuck into something and forget about other issues is working on cars tbh.

I'm certain it is the home life causing problems, just need to work out how to get out!

^^ This.

The root of nearly all these problems is the stress that is caused when you are at home, the fact that your OCD and IBS is set off and aggravated by stress means it'll simply never get better in the environment you're in... I haven't got any smart idea at the moment, but fear not, I'm thinking about it - you need some way of being in a stress free environment where you don't need to worry about what everyone else is thinking, you can get on with what you need to, you need a job close by - and also TELLING your boss about your problems, if it's somebody who actually cares about their employees, they'll understand and take you for who you are and understand... If they cannot understand and are not willing to make things easier for you, it's not the sort of place you want to work.

I think your next biggest step is trying to communicate the problems to the people who see you the most...

I am thinking about it bud...

Yes, you seem to have totally understood it, and that does seem like a better scenario if its possible - will be glad to know if you do think of something!

MMMmmm

first things first you need to see/talk to your dr.
they will make you fill out a bit of paper to see what help (if any) you should get.
most likely they will put you forward for some CBT ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_b...al_therapy )
also give you some pills, im on Fluoxetine, 4 a day but you will most likely start on 1 and work your way up.

would be worth getting in contact with the shaw trust ( http://www.shaw-trust.org.uk/home ) as they can help with finding work/houseing/benifits

Already been to DRs. They put me on some pills - but I cant take them. I havent said yet in this thread but I have a major fear of being ill (mainly being sick) and my brain just wont let me take the pills because of the possible side effects.

They have also put me forward for CBT, this is the waiting list I'm on which is apparently several months long.

[Niall]

From that essay there Tom, it really does sound like you bottle things up. Take for example your gcses. Most people are nervous when they do them. This obviously was setting off your IBS. If you have any form of medical condition like that, they have to let you go and they would of done so. You just need to start being a bit more open. I can't really talk as I'm terrible for just bottling things up then it usually ends in me having a massive argument with someone or loosing my temper in other ways. It got to a point where I was taking it out on my friends and worst of all Fiona. Would get to the point where I'd be so worked up, she would say something silly and I'd just loose it and end up shouting at her for no real reason just because I needed to get all this bottled up anger out. Been fine for ages now since making a conscious effort not to bottle things up but my point is, it's shooting your self really!

[Toms306]

tom dont even think about topping your self or doing something stupid!
can you not stay with your dad for a few months, so your away from everything at home. then get your self a small part time job in a supermarket. ( which will help bring you out of your shell when talking to people and talking on the phone) my mate went thru every f*cking page thru the yellow pages asking if they were taking on etc.
Anxiety attacks, if you feel one coming on, just think of something you love, or a funny situation that you remember.
ie think about that mod on you want to do with the 306. or when a mate at school did something mad. ( which will take your mind off the situation) . works for me when i get worked up about work.
do that just once and thats it your mastered preventing an anxiety attack.

Heh, staying with my Dad would be worse! But no I couldn't even if I wanted to, his and his wife and step son have moved into a tiny flat. I barely see him, but I don't like him anyway tbf.

I've heard of people saying similar things about panic/anxiety attacks before, but I genuinely don't know how you can think about anything else in that situation, its like it takes over and thats it.

Where's JJ when you need him. We make a good team in these situations. Let's start off with what was happening to me and how I was dealing with it (It worked for me)

As I'm sure I've mentioned to you in the chatbox before... After I left school I was falling into the wrong crowd, it wasn't too bad at first with the odd Spliff here and there and getting drunk, we then started to do things such as stealing milk from doors at like 4am (this was good fun tbh, but still harsh) it then moved onto breaking into abandoned houses and hotels and stealing anything that was worth something, I then moved onto drugs such as cocaine and drinking everyday. After a while we were breaking into cars and robbing people like it was a normal daily thing for us to do.
People were after me, I was getting my head smashed in left right and centre. Then moved onto stealing a few cars and at this point I was getting very low, stealing money from work and taking as many drugs as I could lay my hands on. (Never touched heroin or crack mind) but anyway. I got so low I was contemplating killing myself, I rode 8 miles to a quiet place and had it pretty much all set up to take me away from this shitty place. I sat there still for Atleast 7 hours after a huge think about my life and what I was doing to myself. I thought what the f*ck is the point in this... My parents and family didn't like who I was but I know they still loved me for who I was because I'm their son... There's always someone that cares about you mate. NEVER EVER FORGET THAT MATE.

Right... What I did to get out of what I was like..........
After I got past the initial point if wanting to drown myself, I sat down and thought 'well, I wanna stay here for my family, I can't do that to them, I wanna change etc'
I tried to give myself something to focus on. Drawing World War II aircraft was something I loved to do. I know it sounds a little stupid but it was something I could focus on. I also gave myself a 'reward' every so often to keep myself motivated. Basically... How ever much advice you'll be getting you can only help yourself. That's why I have told you (very deeply) what happened to me and how I dealt with it.

I too have IBS and a very very mild form of OCD. The IBS affects me daily, its a very common thing that can be sorted by taking something as simple as an imodium tablet. The OCD well, I'm not really sure but all I want to say mate is read through all these replys... Take notes of the things you sit back and think 'hmm yeah I agree' on a bit of paper or on your computer and build on it yourself because ultimately.... You need to help yourself <3 love dude.

Thanks for that Andy, some decent advice in there.

As for immodium though - I've got the problem of taking pills and side effects there again.

Have you been to a Doctor or Psychologist?
They will either be able to give you advice and training to help with your OCD/Anxiety or at least some meds for one of them.

If you can gain some more control over one or two of the issues then things will become simpler and you'll have more freedom in life to get a job sorted.

I think moving out so you can run your life by your crazys is not a good idea, they will rule you, you won't rule them.

Nah thats not how it works, I have less problems with OCD when the 'rents are on holiday - I can get everything clean in the first day, and then because its not on my mind about avioding them, I have less problems like that. The problem is when they're here watching me and touching things! And again because they're not here I have less anxiety issues too, plus I can (almost) relax as I'll get my choice of TV/music and go out when I like rather than being stuck in my room on OC all evening. I'm almost certain moving out would help those issues - the IBS not so much but reducing the anxiety/stress should help it.

---

I thought you were making progress with the travelling thing?

I think I've covered the rest of your post in the other replies but not this bit.

Heres another catch 22 - IF I can drive out further and further every week or so - I'd be able to go further. I now think nothing of driving 45minutes over to Rowells house - I couldn't even do that a year ago. And going up to Norfolk was a bit of a one-off or experiment if you like. Thankfully it went well, but as said IBS can happen at any time, it could've gone horribly wrong. However - I can't afford the fuel to drive out further right now, so thats actually gone a step backwards!!

[Andy]

Crush it up and snort it?? Nahh all joking aside, there are ways to take something that isn't in tablet form.

And no wuckers mate.

Tbh if you wanna talk about it elsewhere then hit me up on Facebook with a PM.

[C2K]

Why don't you go and live with one of your nans? I'm sure they'd appreciate the company and are extremely unlikely to interfere with your OCD. Go and live with the one who likes cars the most lol.

You need a hobby - you need to do something like Karate or squash or something. It will give your mind a specific focus, long enough to stop the anxiety shits! You need something that you enjoy doing and look forward to, rather than getting worked up else you'll never break your cycle.

I wasn't a stereotypical teen either, wasn't interested in smoking, drinking, shagging behind the bike sheds with skanks etc - contrary to popular belief that doesn't make you any less normal. I turned out fine.

I can't stand being ill either, to the point I haven't vomited in 13 years since I had food poisoning. come close and know full well getting it out is best but can't bring myself to do it, but the dr knows best and never had a problem with a prescription. I'm not fond of needles either but put my mind elsewhere when I get jabbed (had 16 jabs since joining the company - the joys of travelling to ghettos like India for you).

Hell I was so scared of getting Delhi Belly I only ate fruit and drank bottled water for a week, I lost a stone in 5 days! I need to go again.

[Toms306]

From that essay there Tom, it really does sound like you bottle things up. Take for example your gcses. Most people are nervous when they do them. This obviously was setting off your IBS. If you have any form of medical condition like that, they have to let you go and they would of done so. You just need to start being a bit more open. I can't really talk as I'm terrible for just bottling things up then it usually ends in me having a massive argument with someone or loosing my temper in other ways. It got to a point where I was taking it out on my friends and worst of all Fiona. Would get to the point where I'd be so worked up, she would say something silly and I'd just loose it and end up shouting at her for no real reason just because I needed to get all this bottled up anger out. Been fine for ages now since making a conscious effort not to bottle things up but my point is, it's shooting your self really!

Yeah I totally agree...I was always under the impression stuff goes away if you ignore it, but thats obviously not quite right. Thing is I never really had anyone I could talk to - thats the reason I ended depressing the chatbox so much as I needed to get stuff off my chest, but no-one to talk to. I have made a decent effort to not do that anymore as I know it takes down the whole forum....I think I'm managing not to do it lately.

I must say though, eventually the bottle explodes, and there are some awesome people on here who I have PM'd more recently when it does get too much and I do feel slightly better after getting stuff off my chest and taking advice from them.

I've never had any anger issues though, I go completely the opposite way, totally silent when I'm getting to that point, which is probably worse tbf.

---

Why don't you go and live with one of your nans? I'm sure they'd appreciate the company and are extremely unlikely to interfere with your OCD. Go and live with the one who likes cars the most lol.

You need a hobby - you need to do something like Karate or squash or something. It will give your mind a specific focus, long enough to stop the anxiety shits! You need something that you enjoy doing and look forward to, rather than getting worked up else you'll never break your cycle.

I wasn't a stereotypical teen either, wasn't interested in smoking, drinking, shagging behind the bike sheds with skanks etc - contrary to popular belief that doesn't make you any less normal. I turned out fine.

I can't stand being ill either, to the point I haven't vomited in 13 years since I had food poisoning. come close and know full well getting it out is best but can't bring myself to do it, but the dr knows best and never had a problem with a prescription. I'm not fond of needles either but put my mind elsewhere when I get jabbed (had 16 jabs since joining the company - the joys of travelling to ghettos like India for you).

Hell I was so scared of getting Delhi Belly I only ate fruit and drank bottled water for a week, I lost a stone in 5 days! I need to go again.

My Nans are worse for cleanliness - one of them last week, her oven broke with a chicken ready meal in it - she ate it anyway, and when asked 'was it cooked?' she goes 'well, it was defrosted'!!!!! Genuinely couldn't believe she'd eaten it lol. But also she'll clean the bog with a sponge and her bare hand, and when the dog comes home with a shitty arse she'll wash it in the kitchen sink. I don't know how old people can be so unhygenic (sp). So living with Nans is out to - although I have offered my Nan to come live in my room and I'd house sit her house/dog over xmas....Mum wouldn't let me ask her though.

I guess it's kinda nice (thats the wrong word) to know other people have a problem with illness too - theres no way I'd be eating at all in India though haha!!

I do need a hobby - apart from playing with 306s lol, but hobbies all cost money which I currently don't have.

[ash240970]

Tom - want to get out but can't? Have you spoken to your local YMCA they will help you.
I've tried the suicide thing and bottled it 2 yrs ago which is why getting away for the Xmas meet was such a good thing for me as this time of year was such a low point for me. I spent it with friends and the majority of these friends will go out of their way to help you, give you advice, or just be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry and someone to listen to you without passing judgement.
Oh and if you're not on job seekers because you can't work because of mental health reasons or the issues you have dont allow you to function properly in society you should be on employment and support allowance.
If you are not on any meds that are helping you with your conditions I would suggest changing your Doctor to one that is more sympathetic to your problems.
When I was dragged down to see my GP the day after I admitted that I tried to kill myself my GP got me in to see a counsellor the same day.
I was put on anti depressants - admittedly they were the wrong ones for me at the time but I'm now on the right ones and the correct dosage.
IBS is manageable and you need to keep a food diary to find out what it is that is causing it but its not only stress that causes IBS even when you think it's stress that's causing it its the comfort eating that makes you feel better that can cause an attack.
OCD is not untreatable, you need to be distracted and reassured that everything is fine. This viscous circle will get smaller but you also need to help yourself by making small changes here and there.
And pretty much everything else has been said already but if you ever want to chat off here add me on the book of faces Andy 'Busterbilly' Hemming and my phone no is on there too.

[RePT]

Read the whole of first post, and well, everyone goes through a situation like that during their life. Feeling unwanted/useless/pathetic.

My advice to you would be to speak to your mum or sister, real-dad?

Your family is what matters mate. All this rubbish about not needing family is just bs, you cant last a day without your family.

Just being general, so i hope i havent offended you, obviously i dont know you personally so my thoughts or comments might seem offensive.

I myself am not the most confident in the crowd, but ive learnt to force myself to be confident. Now I can just do stuff. I would be scared of big black guys aswell, but now, im scared of nobody. Im a religious guy, only scared of God.


If your family cant help you, then sure enough the only thing your missing, that matters, is religion.

I hope you find it in yourself to be yourself!!

[Poodle]

Well you've proved to yourself you can beat these fears with the distance thing, no reason you can't beat these other problems. Don't let them rule your life, the only thing in charge of your life is you, take control fella!

[Toms306]

Cheers guys. Now repping.

Does anyone live on thier own atm? Just wondered if you wouldn't mind saying how much stuff is likely to cost me when I can eventually move out?

[Niall]

whilst i dont live on my own tom, i can give you a idea of costs as its something i am looking into at the moment. It will probably be meaningless to you though because prices vary hugely over the country. A 3 bed semi detached house here is about £1000-1300 a month. Go 50 miles down south and you can knock £400pcm off that. go right up north and you can probably half it....but theres a reason for that. Its north!

[C2K]

I live on my own, can easily assist with costing. Been running all my bills through a spreadsheet with all the ins/outs on it for a long time.

I could've put you up for a bit if you needed a getaway but not been there lol and got millions of things to do when i get home. My house is 306 friendly.

[Toms306]

Lol niall, very true! I was thinking more like bills really though, I can look into rent when I've decided the right area.

Haha, cheers for the offer Simon, its the thought that counts. . I'd be interesed to see those costs though.

[C2K]

Spend a bit of time applying some logic to it and see what you come up with, I can help with the sums afterwards. It all depends on whether you rent, roomshare etc

You'd be surprised at how cheap some of these roomshare set-ups cost. My mrs is staying in Sheffield at the moment on one. The owner is away more than she's there, she's got a huge room with loads of storage space, and it's 70 quid a week all bills plus sky included. Plus she has a lockable room so you know that all the stuff would be safe.

The woman who owns it has OCD lol.